Sharing the Bad


I started this blog to share my past stories of abuse and experience I went through to grow. I’m finding it hard to follow through and struggling with myself to even go there. This confuses me as I have spoken about it in therapy years ago and thought that I had gotten better at sharing. Don’t get me wrong I have many of memories that I can share but when sharing it is always a process. As an abused person it is like re-living that memory all over again and re-hashing those feelings of abandonment, fear, terror, and loneliness.  I love my life today and don’t like interrupting it with all the negative energy, and feelings but I know by sharing I get stronger and stronger. Today I struggle to share but once out I feel empowered.  I want the healing process to begin again and start the journey of letting go. So with this said I’m going to try to focus on getting my story out.

God Speed all my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

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I Love You Man


  • To my first sponsor Sandy that I gave a hell of a time to and went kicking and screaming all the way, Thank You for not giving up on me, I Love You Man.
  • To my friend Laura that chaired the very first meeting I ever attended and whom I have always looked up to and always respected and wanted to be like, I Love You Man.
  • To Don, the first man who ever showed compassion towards me and never wanted anything in return and bought my Very First Big Book and told me to read the first 3 words on page 112, I Love You Man.
  • To all the women who stuck by me and showed me compassion and kindness and taught me how to trust once again, I Love You Man.
  • To my sponsor now, Thank You for being you and helping me along the way and giving me good direction, I Love You Man.
  • To God for not giving up on me and Loving me enough to give me The Gift of Sobriety in my life, I Love You Man.
  • Glory Judging


    I have found that some people around the tables no matter how much they go to meetings or how much they know the 12 steps and 12 traditions they want their glory of being right. I call this sicker then others. No knowledge what so ever can change me but taking action on myself and accepting people for who they are and what they believe helps me to develop a better relationship with those people. Last week I had an experience with an elder gentleman at a meeting that just insisted on interrupting the meeting and wanting to talk about the group and it’s finances, and other negative problems. I’m not the type to keep my mouth shut so I interrupted him and told him that none of what he was speaking of had anything to do with the meeting itself and that if he wanted to discuss it we could sit down and talk about it after the meeting. So then after the meeting I sit down with this man and he is making all kinds of false accusations about this group and saying that he was a group member. I said “Really? Because you must be the only group member”. This group had been taken over by new comers back in 2011 from Bridgeway that did not follow any steps or traditions and then just recently walked away with everything. Now before anyone gets upset, this sometimes happens when you don’t have a good foundation.

    I proceeded to listen to the gentleman and he just kept complaining about how he did not think he should have to get his paper signed and he didn’t understand why he had to go to certain meetings that lasted an hour and 1/2 while people took a smoke break and he felt that he should be able to leave early. I replied that he needed to speak to his sponsor about this situation and he replied that he had no sponsor. I was done. You cant get anywhere with someone that does glory judging.

    Glory Judging is a sickness. My definition of Glory Judging is when you want to focus on what everyone else is doing and you want to bring it into a negative light so that it makes you look better.

    I was once like him and ran my mouth 1 too many times in a meeting and was asked to shut up. I thought I had all the answers and my knowledge was so important that I had to share it in a group of 50 people or more. Well I learned my lesson that day. I got my feelings hurt because I was asked to shut up, I felt sorry for myself, and I was humiliated in from of everyone. Let me say that being asked to be quiet was not done in a rude way, they where very kind about it but my idea was that I knew all and needed to share all. I learned a lesson that day, Keep quiet and listen, I might just learn something.

    Then we have the Glory Judging by those who say, “Well at least I didn’t do that”. Well just because you didn’t get caught does not mean you did not do it. We have all made mistakes and when we get into the cliches of Glory Judging and surrounding ourselves with negative behavior we are continuing to feed our disease. Know one and I mean Know one is free of this character defect but once acknowledged it can be dealt with. Such as Step 4 brings us to most of our defects. I continue to make a list of my defects on a daily basis as I need to focus on myself and my inventory to make sure I’m not Glory Judging anyone or anything. There is a difference in talking to my sobriety sisters and sponsor to get another opinion of my thinking.

    Life on Life’s Terms


    I’m done trying to run the show in my life and spending time trying to control people, places, and situations in my life today. I think this was the most freeing experience I have had in my life when I gave up the control. It consumed my life in a negative way and I ran rapid trying tell everyone what they need to do or say. This New Freedom (Which is in “The Promises” in The Big Book on page 83-84) and New Happiness is something I will never forget. I’m no longer spending my time trying to run the show and in a negative way at that.

    I had so many excuses for everything and nothing was my fault. You could not get me to own anything because I lived in denial and did not want to face the truth and deal with me. It was easier to blame someone else for my problems instead of looking at myself and changing my actions. Of course I had to do some really deep soul searching and have a Spiritual Experience that came after working the steps but I would have never thought in a million years if you would have told me I could have this peace and serenity I would have not believed it.

    It’s not about my past today, I have owned that past and dealt with it, it’s about what I can do today for the next person that suffers and I choose to throw myself into action today. Not action that benefits me because that would be self centered but action that helps another person that suffers. I heard a speaker last night explain The Promises and he hit it head on. He said, “Think of The Promises such as you would think of a warranty on a new car.” If you follow The Promises it is like your warranty in life. So if I continue to work the 12 steps I will continue to benefit from The Promises. This does not mean my life will be perfect and I will be surrounded by butterflies and unicorns, but I will learn how to deal with situations that use to baffle me and my whole attitude and outlook on life will change.

    Today my life is not perfect, but I can accept it for who I’ am today and I’m not running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to cover my tracks because I did something wrong. If I keep doing what I’m doing I will keep getting what I get. I don’t want to live in worry, fear, guilt, shame and remorse today. Today I choose to be happy and work The 12 Steps and call my sponsor and surround myself with people who are doing the same.

    *Life is so much better and peaceful today because of the actions I choose to take one day at a time.

    I’m grateful today that I can only be honest.

    No Longer Afraid


    For years I lived my life being afraid. Afraid of saying the truth, afraid of being me. I have been receiving threatening messages from family members because of my blog. Well I’m no longer afraid.

    I have boundaries and I respect myself enough to not fall into the chaos and the insanity that others bring from not being in control. Somehow, someway my sick family has found my blog and now wants to confront me on my past and what I should and should not be doing. Well I’m an adult and I will share what I want to share about MY LIFE and MY PAST struggles and I have every right to do so. Now if it bothers you that bad then DONT READ IT! AND yes, It’s that easy.

    For them it is all about control, it seems they have no control and so they want to try and force me to continue living a sick miserable life as they still do. Well my choice is to live in Peace and Serenity today.

    Sorry, It’s not gonna happen. I’m Happy, Joyous and Free today. Know one and I mean Know one will step into my life and tell me what to do. It has been years that I have distanced myself from these people and they still want to try and control my every action. I have been living in fear afraid to speak my mind and I refuse to live in fear today. If someone does not like what I write they don’t have to read it. Its that easy. Move on and get a life and stay out of mine. There is a reason for the distance and it’s because I don’t want to be associated with any of you.

    Now this does not mean I don’t have a past and I have not struggled , it just means I have dealt with my past and I have forgiven myself such as God has forgiven me and that is what makes me who I am today.

    But let me say this…By my family telling me what I have done does not fix me, I’m the one who haves to do the work on me and fix myself, trying to tell me what to do does not fix anything, it just proves to me that they are still sick and confirms that I’m making the right decisions in my life today. Just that easy. I have done a lot of work on myself and I’m in a peaceful place today and because they are not does not mean I should suffer. So with all this rambling I just want to say, I’m No Longer Afraid. No more trying to bully me into anything.

  • Get Your Own House In Order and focus on yourself.
  • Keep doing what your doing and keep getting what you got.
  • You cant control anyone or anything.
  • Guilt


    I find that this word is a very powerful word and can be used as many means of control over others. There are so many types of guilt that are also used and the list below are only a few.

  • Guilt from others expectations- Not living up to cultural expectations.
  • Guilt from not taking action- Guilt of doing or being.
  • Religious Guilt- Not being able to forgive yourself.
  • True Guilt- Being faithful to yourself.
  • False Guilt- Feeling guilt towards yourself for doing what another person wanted.
  • Guilt of shame – Feeling that you have done something wrong from another persons actions.
  • Survivor Guilt- Feeling you were less injured or less damaged than others.
  •  

    The Responsibility Guilt is when you do something wrong and you feel you need to make the situation right. An Ego Driven Guilt is when you start to realize you have done something wrong and decide to build a resentment towards others. You have to make others feel worse than you feel and go out of your way to manipulate the situation to work in your favor. By acting out in the Ego Driven Guilt a person becomes so consumed in trying to hurt another they become a miserable person themselves. Most people who carry this guilt can not hide their misery.

    You cant depend on others for your own happiness. Why should another person suffer for the way that you feel?

    So, there are many types of guilt and I choose to live focusing on what is in front of me and not behind me, I cant do anything about what happened yesterday but I can deal with all of the old behaviors that I have built up to protect myself as a child when I was being abused. The tools that I have today can be use in my life to deal with certain situations, if not for those tools I don’t think I would be here today. The control over others is not my goal but to live my own life and deal with what comes my way makes me so much more peaceful today. Which would I rather be, miserable or happy? I choose the happy road of destiny.

    pnissila’s Blog “Guilt has a powerful triggering effect on a victim of abuse.”

    I truly believe this quote, guilt can ruin a victims life and they may never recover from it.

    Learning Acceptance


    I have found through working a 12 step program and learning to live life on life’s terms today sometimes dealing with negative people and their actions can be very hurtful, especially when the actions come from family. I cant change someone’s negative behavior but I can feel comfortable in my own skin knowing I don’t have to spend any of my lifetime looking for ways to hurt others. The time that is spent hurting others is a horrible way to live because your not focusing on yourself and working on you and in the process of living that life you become a very miserable person and I don’t want any part of that. I don’t want to be one of those miserable person’s that are constantly looking for all the bad in anyone today, I feel good focusing on the positive and getting positive results in my life. So as I write this I may not have a family but that is my choice and I have set some healthy boundaries and I choose to be Happy and Grateful today. I surround myself with loving people who really care and will always be there for me to matter what and for this I’m truly grateful. So for all of you that have been with me through these past few years of life changing experiences and roller coaster rides I just want to say Thank You and I’m truly grateful that you are in my life today.

    It Still Hurts


    This week was a very hard week for me. I have 3 grown children who still continue to make mistakes but today I have the tools to deal with it. That does not mean when we see them make mistakes that it still doesn’t hurt. I received some very sad news this week about my youngest daughter and broke down in a manic cry for hours, the pain of knowing where she is excruciating. I have the tools thanks to my therapist on dealing with these situations. Feeling is not my best option but the only option I have at this moment since I have no say in her life. I have a strong background in Co-Dependency (Thank You Melody Beattie ) and healthy boundaries today and so I don’t interfere with what is going on in their lives, it makes me a nervous wreck just knowing and I don’t think they realize sometimes how much it hurts a parent to see them go down a bad road with a bad person. Acceptance to me today is excepting the fact that it is not mine and minding my own business even though it is hard not to speak out. Knowing that this child of mine was just struggling not even a year ago and now she is in the same situation just breaks my heart but I cant do anything other then to feel the pain and go through the process and allow myself to feel whatever emotion it is. Sometime not saying anything is saying everything but it still hurts.
    I know life is hard and things happen that we don’t want to happen but it is all in the way we react to these situations and I know better not to get involved as I feel it would just make it worse. Sometimes my emotions overload my mouth and I don’t need that right now. Love is the strongest feeling you can have for a person and my children are the people closest to me.The pain of knowing they will be hurt is the worst pain a parent can carry for a child but…It Still Hurts.

    A Struggle with Fear


    Fear is one of my many character defects that I will continually have to work on. If it is not fear from people it is fear from what will be done to me. I have been working with my counselor and thought that I had recovered but then we start to discuss a new topic and it opens me up to think about how I isolate myself from being hurt or taken advantage of. Looking at myself now I feel strong and depend on something more powerful then myself which is prayer but this does not always take all the damage that has been done to me as a child away. I’m learning so many new things about myself. Fear is one of the most controlling emotions that will always have a hold of me and run all of my decisions and actions that I make while trudging through this lonely life. I feel that Fear has also kept me from committing to a meaning relationship in these past 10 years of my life. I have been more then self sufficient and surround myself with positive people but the fear of allowing myself to trust is a horrible control.

    When I was a child family members, close friends, and sometimes strangers came to my bedroom wanting sexual favors from me, forcing me to do horrible acts of sex that no child should have to endure, only to pray to God to help me. These actions have not only damaged me physically but also mentally, my thinking will never be the same no matter how many years pass in my life. Not to be able to go to your one protector, the one person you trust after the fact and tell her that something bad happened last night, only to be faced with excuses for these sexual predators, blame me and tell me it was my own fault, is the most loneliest feeling in the world. What happened to that Mothers Love and Protection she was suppose to have? I always worried about my children, there was that built in mother wolf always looking out for them. I would never in one minute ever regret being over baring because I know I listened, I know I protected them the best that I could. My children were that small child that never got the protection that little girl should have received.

    How could a person, especially your own mother not want to get to the bottom of these terrifying accusations? My mother would tell me that I was lying, that I was making stories up, and I was trying to ruin her life. As a child and now as an adult I will never comprehend the treatment of a child such as this and I never will. It has taken me many years and many therapy sessions to finally realize that no matter what I did to try and get my own mothers acceptance it was not going to happen. I had to let go of the fact that my mother was a companionship humane being and would live in denial her entire life. There would never be any resolution to being able to try and deal with this part of my life and I had to except it for what it was and move on in order for me to heal and get better.

    I cry myself to sleep for that little girl many nights. Imagine not having the person you most trust in your life telling you your lying. I had know one to go to, to comfort me or protect me and love me, I was alone. I felt so abandoned and betrayed. It is the most horrible feeling in the world as a child.

    So today as I trudge through this life of adulthood Yes, there are many fears in my life and these fears cripple me from having a healthy, meaningful relationships with men. As I’m getting older I’m getting use to it as I would not wish upon any normal humane being to have to deal with my baggage so, I protect myself and I protect them also from myself and my damage.

    Brother


    Had a long talk with my brother last night (2 hours) on the phone and he has been on my mind ever since.

    My brother and I have not been very close since he got married, but relationships change when you get married and have children, life becomes busy and you have priorities. I would never blame him for this. *smiles*

    Now that he has become separated from his 2nd wife (December 2011) and has gone through much since this (I will not air his dirty laundry) and has survived. I want to share some things I can air. * I’m tearing up already*

    My brother Ronnie, has been calling me and keeping in touch with me lately and I’m learning more and more every time we speak.

    Last night I have learned that he Truly loves his children and that he has goal’s in life. Ronnie is moving on and it is so deserved.

    I remember as a child he never had a chance to have a decent life and he was given the short end of the stick.

    There were 3 girls in my family and 1 boy and looking back I don’t think my mother knew how to deal with him.

    So many memories and so much I have learned from the conversation last night but what I have Truly learned is That I Love My Brother unconditionally.

    No judging him on his past mistakes.

    No bad mouthing him because he was loud and out spoken and mainly boastful. (lol) That’s my brother.

    No shunning him for the way he believes.

    I see him as a person that never had a chance.

    When speaking on the phone last night I realized he was sexually abused by many people, (friends and family) , Put in situations where he was forced to fight Adult Men while he was a child, and he was Truly never loved.

    Now, this is NOT my opinion folks because I have already lived this life also and have dealt with my own demons from my past by going through 1 year of Sexual Abuse counseling once, twice and sometimes even 3 times a week and also regular counseling.

    It was very trying but powerful at the same time and I have moved on and learned how to deal with life in a better way. (God is Good)

    But Ronnie,

    He does not have the tools that I have now and he reminds me of myself before I realized I needed help.

    He thinks he can do it on his own and so he is trying. (I Love You My Brother) For not giving up.

    My heart Aches for him and I cant stop thinking about all the things discussed last night and realizing all he really wanted in life was to BE LOVED and accepted.

    Now the negative part:

    We have both made decisions (i found out last night) to cut off most family members (not all) in our lives because there is no positive that comes out of it and you cant keep beating a dead horse or how ever you say that. Negative, Negative, Negative.

    When you constantly hear your entire childhood life:

    You are a bad person.

    You are no good.

    You dont deserve that.

    You are stupid.

    You are worthless.

    You are making those stories up. (speaking of the sex abuse)

    You grow up believing these things and thinking you dont deserve anything good that comes your way.

    And being abandoned on a regular basis as a child to people you don’t know, people who are just as abusive, people who don’t care, this effects your life in many ways as a child and also as a adult. (there were good people such as a couple of family member’s and one foster family we were left with but the good never lasted)

    My mother was married 8 time’s and we had so many shady people coming in and out of our lives that we were so confused and always trying to adapt from one situation to another. Now as children this is very confusing and you automatically learn to adapt like a chameleon adapts to it’s environment and this was normal in our lives as children. Always looking for that approval and acceptance from anyone.

    Now I know you must be saying to yourself, Where was your father through all of this? Well my father lived in a different state and had no idea what was going on and to this day still feels guilty for not knowing.

    Now getting back to my brother:

    He had really no chance in life. He was a product of his own up bringing and yes he made some very bad choices that ended him up in prison for most of his young adult life. Of coarse he never learned in prison how to deal with life, but he finally found a woman who loved him, got married and had 2 Beautiful children.

    Now there where many struggles along the way and a divorce, many more mistakes made and a second wife to come (now separated), but at least he tried and I have the utmost respect for him because of that. He wanted what he never had.

    He is now in his mid 40’s and dealing with life as he only knows how and I only wish Happiness for him and his children. They all deserves it.

    Through all of his trials and tribulations he stands strong and he try’s not to let his past effect him and he blames know one but himself for his mistakes. I admire you Ronnie.

    I happen to see it differently, Most children when young really only want one thing and that is to be loved. He stated last night on the phone that he does not know if he even knows how to love someone. I asked him if something bad was to happen to one of his children would it upset him? He said yes right away. I told him “Ronnie, You know how to love”. *You are a good parent.”

    He carries so much guilt in disciplining his children because of the way he was disciplined (abused) as a child.

    I have seen lately where family members have posted on his children’s fb pages

    “Dont grow up and be like your dad!”

    “You are a better person than your father.”

    This is very hurtful, harmful, and damaging to a young child receiving messages as such. This child knows his father loves him, this child will never know the abuse the way his father was abused, this child Loves his Father with all of his heart. Why would you do that? Well I know why.

    People like to focus on other people’s problems so they DONT have to TAKE A LOOK at THEMSELVES.

    Denial does not fix anything but you cant force someone to be honest so you have to let it go and pray for the best.

    This is a sad cycle in my family up bringing and no Positive comes from it.

    So I have learned that we (me and my brother) are breaking that cycle.

    So with all of this said and so many more things I really would like to say but my mind is going faster then my fingers.

    I Love You Ronnie and I will Always Love You and treat you with the respect that you deserve.

    Know one, and I mean know one deserves to be treated the way you were treated as a child and still as an adult.

    I will Always be there for you my brother, thru good and the bad because you deserve at least one person to be there and love you unconditionally and accept you for whom ever you want to be.

    I Love You my Brother.