As I grew early on  in my 12 Step program I found that I was carrying a heavy load. I had much shame, guilt and fear inside of me. Shame for all my past mistakes, Guilt for exposing my children to my alcoholic behavior, and Fear for what was to come. As I learned that I could turn my will over and stop beating myself up the healing process started. This did not mean it happened over night but as long as I kept working the steps and applying them into my life I worked through those feelings. I think the guilt was the hardest to work through because I knew that my past behavior effected my children and they were only innocent bi standards. I was allowing my children to cross boundaries because it was all my fault and then the shame kicked in. As my spiritual side started to grow I started to realize that I could set healthy boundaries with my family and not worry about hurting their feelings, besides I only wanted them to get better and learn knew ways of dealing with life. We in recovery have to be careful of these feeling because this can allow other’s to not respect us and if we don’t deal with the unhealthy behavior nothing changes.

Fear was the hardest behavior I had to work on because I was so use to running from anything I had to deal with, it was all whelming to me. We have to understand as we grow in recovery we are NOT use to feeling, besides we masked our pain with the drug (alcohol,cocaine,pills).  All of those raw feelings crop up on us and we don’t know how to deal with them. During this time we need to make sure that we stay close to other’s in recovery so that we may learn how to deal with all of the new emotions.

As we learn to deal with these feelings and learn to own our own power we can get use to dealing with life in general and the after effects of our emotions dwindle away.

Lets learn to deal with our Shame, Guilt, and Fear today and learn to take car of ourselves.


God Speed my Brothers and Sisters


The Body Builder

“An Unexpected Rape”

The other day I was sharing one of my stories to another woman. Looking back on it now it makes me angry and resentful towards myself for not doing anything about it but I see now how far I have come in doing sexual abuse therapy and I’m a totally different person today then I was when the rape happen.

I was still drinking and had just separated from my husband and wanted to live the good single life while the kids were gone on the weekends so I had new friends that I was starting to hang out with. To me life was good and I was enjoying the single life. I was also dating a man who had in my perspective at the time an alcohol problem. He always got on my nerves but I accepted that problem at that time. Myself and my friends agreed to meet up that evening at a local well known bar to have some fun. I showed up around 9:00 pm and the partying started. Shots for everyone. Myself and my friends were having a ball and I was getting my buzz on when my boyfriend showed up and started trouble. He would not stop getting on my case and trying to cause problems in front of my friends, it was becoming humiliating that he was embarrassing me in front of my friends and the public. While sitting with my friends they introduced me to one of their friends which was a huge body builder guy. I was so amazed that this guy even wanted to talk to me. My boyfriend proceeded to cause problems for me and would not stop until in one moment the body builder guy came to my rescue and said let me handle this for you, you don’t deserve this. Whatever he had said to my boyfriend it worked because he finally left.  It felt good to have someone so big and strong sticking up for me. We all proceeded to continue to partying and enjoying the evening but the night was over and the place we were at was closing down.  We all proceeded to leave and I said goodbye to my friends when all of a sudden there is my boyfriend again getting into my face wanting to start a fight and not backing down until this body builder guy came up and pushed him away and told him to get lost. WOW, I felt so protected. This guy was really watching out for me and it gave me a sense of protection. The body builder proceeded to tell me he would walk me to my car to make sure that I was safe so we proceeded to my vehicle when I got into my driver’s side and he in the passenger’s side. I was going to give him a ride to his car.  This is when it all happened. He reached over and grabbed me by my throat and pulled me down between the seats and proceeded to tell me if I screamed he would kill me. At first I tried to fight and tell him no when I realized in an instance that I had no choice. It was either loose my life or calm down and let it happen.

How could this happen?

What did I do to deserve this?

Did I say or do anything to lead him on?

Why didn’t I see this coming?

Why did I not know that this person was like this?

The body builder proceeded to un-robe me by tearing my clothing off of my body. I was being healed down by his huge for arm up against my throat with hard pressure , I couldn’t breath and my body was being flayed around like a Raggedy Ann Doll. I could not stop thinking that I was going to die. The body builder was saying some really mean horrible things such as I deserved what was happening and calling me names I never want to hear again. I thought if I’m going to survive this rape I would need to remove myself from my body. As a child there was a place I would go to feel safe when I was being molested and raped so I proceeded to try and remove myself from the body builder rape. The brutal rape continued but not without more violence. I was punched in the face and my nose was bleeding profusely and my body was still being thrown around, I was crying and was told to stop or he was going to punch me again. This was the most violent rape that had ever occurred to me up to this point in my life. Finally within about 15 minutes it was all over and he told me if I called the police he would hunt me down and kill me. I was terrified. The man proceeded to get out of my vehicle and walk away but my thoughts were “Is he coming back?”. I tried to put some of my clothing on and proceeded to get into the front drivers side seat and drive home half naked. I was scared, beaten, bruised, and hurt. I got home and there was my boyfriend asking me what happened and I told him to leave me alone and give me my space. I was crying out of control with blood all over my face and all I wanted to do was strip what little clothes I had on and get into the shower and scrub the rape off of my body. I could not believe this had just happened. I finally finished with my shower and climbed into bed with my boyfriend still crying and proceeded to tell him what happened. He had no idea how to handle the situation and neither did I. The sad part about the whole situation is that I did not even think about making a police report because I thought that I deserved it. I was out drinking with friends, got into a fight with my boyfriend, somehow mislead this man who just raped me and the police would not take me seriously, was my thoughts. So I never did make a report. The sad part about all of this was the rape happened 1 block away from the police station and I think about this all the time.

The man who raped me was never held accountable for his actions and I carry a guilt in my heart for not reporting the rape because it is always in my mind,

How many women has he done this to before me and how many women has he done this to since?

Only by the Grace of God today I can share this story because I got clean and sober and decided to go to therapy and get help and learn to deal with that little girl that I have always tried to protect when being raped or molested. Today I would love to still take action towards this man but I have no idea who he is and where he lives and the friends I was with that night that were friends with him and introduced me to him, well I never spoke to them again.

It is hard for me to share and re live this rape because I’m so much stronger today and wish I would have done the right things and called the police. There was more then enough evidence to charge him but back when it happened those were not my thoughts. I felt as if I deserved it which is so wrong to think and today I know this.

Please remember no matter what the situation is you never deserve to be raped. Man or woman know one deserves to be violated.

Reach out to those whom love you and tell them the truth and let them help you or call a rape hotline.

I always wonder how many more victims I could have saved by reporting the rape to the police but I was just not in my right mind at that time and did not have the tools I have today to move forward thanks to AA, my sponsor, working the steps and realizing that I needed to get help for my past abuse.

Today I have been diagnosed with PTSD Syndrome and I live a life surrounded by people I know and can trust. God has given me a strength I thought I never could have and I speak to women in recovery that may have ended up in the same situation I was in hoping to encourage them to do the next right thing. I still struggle to be free of my past and it never really goes away but I can learn to deal with it through therapy and growing to becoming a survivor. Sharing my stories are like reliving the moment and really puts me in a vulnerable state of mind and it takes some time to recover. I will never be fully healed of my past but today I have the tools to get through it.

If you have been raped please contact someone. Man or Woman.

Have you been violated? Please see the link below for help.

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters



I find that this word is a very powerful word and can be used as many means of control over others. There are so many types of guilt that are also used and the list below are only a few.

  • Guilt from others expectations- Not living up to cultural expectations.
  • Guilt from not taking action- Guilt of doing or being.
  • Religious Guilt- Not being able to forgive yourself.
  • True Guilt- Being faithful to yourself.
  • False Guilt- Feeling guilt towards yourself for doing what another person wanted.
  • Guilt of shame – Feeling that you have done something wrong from another persons actions.
  • Survivor Guilt- Feeling you were less injured or less damaged than others.

    The Responsibility Guilt is when you do something wrong and you feel you need to make the situation right. An Ego Driven Guilt is when you start to realize you have done something wrong and decide to build a resentment towards others. You have to make others feel worse than you feel and go out of your way to manipulate the situation to work in your favor. By acting out in the Ego Driven Guilt a person becomes so consumed in trying to hurt another they become a miserable person themselves. Most people who carry this guilt can not hide their misery.

    You cant depend on others for your own happiness. Why should another person suffer for the way that you feel?

    So, there are many types of guilt and I choose to live focusing on what is in front of me and not behind me, I cant do anything about what happened yesterday but I can deal with all of the old behaviors that I have built up to protect myself as a child when I was being abused. The tools that I have today can be use in my life to deal with certain situations, if not for those tools I don’t think I would be here today. The control over others is not my goal but to live my own life and deal with what comes my way makes me so much more peaceful today. Which would I rather be, miserable or happy? I choose the happy road of destiny.

    pnissila’s Blog “Guilt has a powerful triggering effect on a victim of abuse.”

    I truly believe this quote, guilt can ruin a victims life and they may never recover from it.