It has been 2 years since I have spoken to my father and he called the other day. He is almost 70 years old and I asked him how he was doing and dont it get lonely living alone. I’m a little concerned about him as he lives in GA. and I live in MO. so if anything happened to him I would never know. Any way just a brief but conscious moment I would like to share but first let me give you some insight.
My father left my mother at a young age. They both had their problems and I believe that they were both at fault. To this day my mother will talk about my father beating her, beating us children as if it happened yesterday. Just a quick note for all you parents, if you are going to do this to your children and make a decision to bad mouth and bash the other parent I can guarantee that this kind of behavior will back fire on you, as it did my mother. She speaks of all kinds of bad things, not just my father, she speaks about everyone and how they have done wrong like she has never made a mistake in her life. I just want to say this and then I’m moving on…”Just because you didn’t get caught does not mean you didn’t do it”.
So yes, the 4 of us children grew up without our father for many years. That did not mean we did not have many men in and out of our lives. Terrible men sometimes.
When I finally was able to contact my father at the age of 15 that is when I started to have a relationship with him. My dad had shown me another side of life. A loving and caring home with stability and goals. Not to say we did not have our problems but they were nothing different then a teenage daughter would have with their own father. He was the only man in my life that never molested me, raped me, or wanted sex from me a s a child.
Many years ago I was able to forgive my father for the abandonment issue’s I did have because he owned his part and apologized for anything and everything that ever happened to me as a child. Now this I found was a very powerful step in my life because my mother continues to deny, deny, deny. Lord knows she tried her best but The Lord is the only one who will know since I will never know my mother as my mom but only as My Abuser, My enemy, and everything I never want to be in my life.
Back to Dad. We spoke for a couple of hours and he proceeded to tell me how he visited one of my abusers in the hospital and told him he better pray to God for forgiveness. For me this was another step and process I’m still taking in as I’m not use to my father doing what a man should do when things like abuse and rape happens to their daughter.
He went on to proceed that he was sorry again for anything that had happened to me and that he regrets not being there for us kids. Then he stepped in and said….”If I have ever got drunk and tried anything on you I’m sorry”…..WHAT? Immediate emotions of so many feelings I thought I never had. Compassion comes at moments you never expected.
I broke down with tears in my eyes and I couldn’t speak, I cried and was trying to clear my throat and said to him, “No DAD” You never did anything like that to me.
My father was the only man who never tried to rape me, or molest me but he wanted me to know “I’m Sorry”. I just felt like he was trying to take any pain away I may have. I just want to say it takes a Big Man to admit his faults and stay humble in the moment, never showing any pride but pure humility.
I cried all night that night after I got off the phone with him and I truly believe that God only gives us what we can handle and that night God gave me a Spiritual Awakening. Something I will never be able to put into words but an inner peace within my heart and mind.
It states in the Big Book that “More will be revealed” and just when I thought nothing else could come my way, more is revealed.
So wit this I say to all of my fellow friends of Bill W. “Don’t quiet 5 minutes before the miracle”. And dont forget, just because you have worked the steps have you truly cleaned house and worked on your past and all that can not be fixed around the tables. Clear ALL of your wreckage even if it hurts, I promise you it does get better.
My name is Mary and I’m Truly a Grateful Alcoholic.
NOTE: For any women/men who have struggled in the past with Abuse, molestation, rape and so on please contact a counselor or a therapist near you and if you dont know who to contact in your area please contact me and I will help you find someone.
I truly believed that I had all of the abuse/rape/molestation behind me and I didn’t.
There is still that small child that I would always put away in a room that I’m still dealing with but today she is not hiding, she is right now, right hear speaking to you, and no longer a victim but a survivor.
Until I dealt with my past thoroughly (step 4) I was unable to fully work the steps.
God Speed my Sisters and Brothers