As I grew early on in my 12 Step program I found that I was carrying a heavy load. I had much shame, guilt and fear inside of me. Shame for all my past mistakes, Guilt for exposing my children to my alcoholic behavior, and Fear for what was to come. As I learned that I could turn my will over and stop beating myself up the healing process started. This did not mean it happened over night but as long as I kept working the steps and applying them into my life I worked through those feelings. I think the guilt was the hardest to work through because I knew that my past behavior effected my children and they were only innocent bi standards. I was allowing my children to cross boundaries because it was all my fault and then the shame kicked in. As my spiritual side started to grow I started to realize that I could set healthy boundaries with my family and not worry about hurting their feelings, besides I only wanted them to get better and learn knew ways of dealing with life. We in recovery have to be careful of these feeling because this can allow other’s to not respect us and if we don’t deal with the unhealthy behavior nothing changes.
Fear was the hardest behavior I had to work on because I was so use to running from anything I had to deal with, it was all whelming to me. We have to understand as we grow in recovery we are NOT use to feeling, besides we masked our pain with the drug (alcohol,cocaine,pills). All of those raw feelings crop up on us and we don’t know how to deal with them. During this time we need to make sure that we stay close to other’s in recovery so that we may learn how to deal with all of the new emotions.
As we learn to deal with these feelings and learn to own our own power we can get use to dealing with life in general and the after effects of our emotions dwindle away.
Lets learn to deal with our Shame, Guilt, and Fear today and learn to take car of ourselves.
Oh how I’m looking forward to sharing my hope on this topic. NOT
Today I’m so blessed by being a Grateful Alcoholic but my fears of economic insecurity has not left me. Today it is a healthy fear as I’m not trying to avoid my bills that come in the mail, I deal with them one step at a time. What the 12 steps has done for me is made me a responsible human being, paying my bills. Early on in sobriety I depended on whom ever I was dating at the time to pay my bills. As I kept going to meetings I started learning it had to either be my sobriety or the boyfriend that was still drinking, using, and very unhealthy for me. I had to make a choice. Do I want what these people had at the tables or do I want to return to my life of chaos and insanity and doing the same thing over, and over again getting the same results. It did not take me very long before I decided I had to let the abusive, using, drinking, violent, alcoholic boyfriend go. Of course I knew this would not be an easy process since I completely depended on him for my economic security but if I wanted to move forward I had to do it. Once I made that decision I depended completely on the people around the tables in meeting to get through it.
Once I made this decision I stuck with it. Besides I was promised a whole new outlook on life and a chance to live in peace and serenity. This was the best thing I ever did in my sobriety. No more co-dependency. Besides I could not fix him but I had the opportunity to fix me and that was all I wanted at that time. As I got more and more time around the tables I struggled with my finances. I use to run from my bill collectors and close my eyes and hope they would go away. As I continued to go to meetings and share my situation people around the tables would share their solution with me. The solution was to not run but call my bill collectors and explain my situation and try to work things out. WOW, what a solution, and it worked. I was more and more convinced that there was a whole new way of life. I never dealt with my finances in this way.
Only by the Grace of God today I have learned from the people around the tables to have Good Orderly Direction and today I deal with my finances the same way that was shared with me in the beginning. Of course I had to sit down and make a list of my needs and my wants and I had to weed out the things I wanted that I was paying for and focus on my needs such as my home, electric, water, food. I never realized all the things I was paying for that I truly did not need at that time. I got a job to help myself to pay my bills and all of a sudden I was seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
It works if you work it.
Today I’m not truly free of fear but as soon as I get paid, my bills are paid. Nothing more and nothing less. Sometimes I may have to juggle a couple of bills but I call my bill collectors and work things out. There is a solution. There is peace in my and I have financial security. I no longer avoid the bill collector and deal with them head on. This was one of my 4th step character defects and I can make my amends today.
For all those struggling with economic insecurity if you work your steps thoroughly you will be free and become a responsible adult and deal with whatever comes your way. There is hope.
For years I lived my life being afraid. Afraid of saying the truth, afraid of being me. I have been receiving threatening messages from family members because of my blog. Well I’m no longer afraid.
I have boundaries and I respect myself enough to not fall into the chaos and the insanity that others bring from not being in control. Somehow, someway my sick family has found my blog and now wants to confront me on my past and what I should and should not be doing. Well I’m an adult and I will share what I want to share about MY LIFE and MY PAST struggles and I have every right to do so. Now if it bothers you that bad then DONT READ IT! AND yes, It’s that easy.
For them it is all about control, it seems they have no control and so they want to try and force me to continue living a sick miserable life as they still do. Well my choice is to live in Peace and Serenity today.
Sorry, It’s not gonna happen. I’m Happy, Joyous and Free today. Know one and I mean Know one will step into my life and tell me what to do. It has been years that I have distanced myself from these people and they still want to try and control my every action. I have been living in fear afraid to speak my mind and I refuse to live in fear today. If someone does not like what I write they don’t have to read it. Its that easy. Move on and get a life and stay out of mine. There is a reason for the distance and it’s because I don’t want to be associated with any of you.
Now this does not mean I don’t have a past and I have not struggled , it just means I have dealt with my past and I have forgiven myself such as God has forgiven me and that is what makes me who I am today.
But let me say this…By my family telling me what I have done does not fix me, I’m the one who haves to do the work on me and fix myself, trying to tell me what to do does not fix anything, it just proves to me that they are still sick and confirms that I’m making the right decisions in my life today. Just that easy. I have done a lot of work on myself and I’m in a peaceful place today and because they are not does not mean I should suffer. So with all this rambling I just want to say, I’m No Longer Afraid. No more trying to bully me into anything.
Get Your Own House In Order and focus on yourself.
Keep doing what your doing and keep getting what you got.
Lately I have been having some really bad dreams and I’m not sure why but my only guess is that since I have been working out at the gym these dreams have started to develop. The dream I had this morning seems so real to me that I woke myself up yelling. My dream seems to me as a nightmare and I still feel yucky inside and I say yucky because I cant quit describe what I feel other than fearful and yucky so maybe if I share the dream I can get some input on what it means or why I feel the way I feel.
NOTE: This dream was about my sister for some reason, now let me explain some of the situations she has put herself in. She has very bad behavior when she drinks. She cant control her overall body functions down to her bladder. It’s almost as if she is in some kind of coma. My sister has had epilepsy since she was 12 and she has those kind of seizures where she looks like the exorcist girl when she does have them. Yes, she looks possessed and that really scares the hell out of me. I was never able to help her as a child when she had these episodes because I was so afraid and would have to run and get someone if it happened around me. I have only seen 3 episodes but she has many. OK, so back to her behavior, When you are around her drinking no matter where she was, with her children (all 7 of them) or in a public place, the responsibility of taking care of her automatically became yours. Especially if you are a family member.
The dream starts out in a very positive manner, I met someone I was happy to meet and was getting along so well with the person that we became close. I then made the decision to leave and meet this person later on that evening at a certain time. All was going so well and I feeling very content. I then get to my home in my dream and go inside of my home and I start looking around and everything is a mess. Too my surprise I start picking up everything and I come upon a persons leg so I follow it and figure out it is my niece. I then look up through the sliding glass door of my home and I see my sister laying out on the patio with some strange man (don’t know who he is). Now want to get ready as I want to meet my friend that I met earlier in my dream but I know this is going to be a problem because as I’m looking outside and opening the glass door to try and find out why she is at my home, more and more of her children are showing up. (small children, children that are unable to take care of themselves while my sister is under the influence). I ask my sister “What are you doing here?” she replies with some kind of jumbled answer “What The F** do you mean?” I’m frustrated by now because this will become my responsibility if I don’t get her out. I have to get her and her children out of my home in my dream I’m suppose to meet someone at a certain time right? So I start to tell her that she needs to get out and she goes all ape crazy on me (still in her drunken stooper) and grabs a bat and chases me to the neighbors house where I find safety. Now I know all of this sounds crazy but this kind of stuff actually happened in my life, not this situation but the actions are very close. Now I’m at the neighbors and so I eventually have to call the police to get her out of my home and the neighbors have to leave because they have another engagement so they leave me a lone in their home. A police officer shows up and is telling me they cant do anything even though she is drunk and has all of her children with her and they cant remove her from my home. What? Same ole same ole. So then the officer suggests that I call the children’s agency to come and do a welfare check. While all of this is going on my sister is antagonizing me and coming closer and closer trying to provoke me into reacting so I will come outside of my neighbors home so she can hit me with a bat. I’m fearful of getting hit with a bat so I’m trying to do the right thing by following all of the instructions that the officer is telling me to do. Needless to say the officer leaves and my sister (under her drunk stooper) continues to push her luck and cross those boundaries and get closer and closer to me even getting into my neighbors home and walking in and walking out right next to me with the bat. So finally I decide I have to stand up for myself and I yell loudly “Get Out Of The House!” This is when I wake myself up.
The feelings I have are so undesirable after awakening. I felt so hopeless and helpless as if there was no way out of the situation. The boundaries I was setting with her where intentionally being broke so I got to the point where I was going to have to stand up to her and let her know that she cant do this any more. I know I did not want her to become my responsibility as it use to be in my younger days and there was no talking to her because you cant reason with someone under the influence and at the same time she was getting defensive and there was going to be no way out other then violence.
So that was most of my dream and if anyone can help me with understanding it I sure would appreciate it. The feelings I had in the dream are still effecting me and probably will go with me through out the day until I have finally forgotten as this always happens.
NOTE: This was only a dream. I have been in situations similar to this and I don’t like the way the situations make me feel.
Fear is one of my many character defects that I will continually have to work on. If it is not fear from people it is fear from what will be done to me. I have been working with my counselor and thought that I had recovered but then we start to discuss a new topic and it opens me up to think about how I isolate myself from being hurt or taken advantage of. Looking at myself now I feel strong and depend on something more powerful then myself which is prayer but this does not always take all the damage that has been done to me as a child away. I’m learning so many new things about myself. Fear is one of the most controlling emotions that will always have a hold of me and run all of my decisions and actions that I make while trudging through this lonely life. I feel that Fear has also kept me from committing to a meaning relationship in these past 10 years of my life. I have been more then self sufficient and surround myself with positive people but the fear of allowing myself to trust is a horrible control.
When I was a child family members, close friends, and sometimes strangers came to my bedroom wanting sexual favors from me, forcing me to do horrible acts of sex that no child should have to endure, only to pray to God to help me. These actions have not only damaged me physically but also mentally, my thinking will never be the same no matter how many years pass in my life. Not to be able to go to your one protector, the one person you trust after the fact and tell her that something bad happened last night, only to be faced with excuses for these sexual predators, blame me and tell me it was my own fault, is the most loneliest feeling in the world. What happened to that Mothers Love and Protection she was suppose to have? I always worried about my children, there was that built in mother wolf always looking out for them. I would never in one minute ever regret being over baring because I know I listened, I know I protected them the best that I could. My children were that small child that never got the protection that little girl should have received.
How could a person, especially your own mother not want to get to the bottom of these terrifying accusations? My mother would tell me that I was lying, that I was making stories up, and I was trying to ruin her life. As a child and now as an adult I will never comprehend the treatment of a child such as this and I never will. It has taken me many years and many therapy sessions to finally realize that no matter what I did to try and get my own mothers acceptance it was not going to happen. I had to let go of the fact that my mother was a companionship humane being and would live in denial her entire life. There would never be any resolution to being able to try and deal with this part of my life and I had to except it for what it was and move on in order for me to heal and get better.
I cry myself to sleep for that little girl many nights. Imagine not having the person you most trust in your life telling you your lying. I had know one to go to, to comfort me or protect me and love me, I was alone. I felt so abandoned and betrayed. It is the most horrible feeling in the world as a child.
So today as I trudge through this life of adulthood Yes, there are many fears in my life and these fears cripple me from having a healthy, meaningful relationships with men. As I’m getting older I’m getting use to it as I would not wish upon any normal humane being to have to deal with my baggage so, I protect myself and I protect them also from myself and my damage.
When I was going through therapy these memories were the hardest one’s to deal with as I had to deal with the feelings that I had cut off, numbed, and forgotten.
I sat down in the office as I usually do and we started to talk. I was asked “So when do you think the abuse started?” I was thinking. The first thing that came up was The Little Girl in The Room. In my mind I could picture this little girl in a cute ruffled dress backing up from the door every time it opened. She was scared and afraid of what was going to come through that door. I felt sympathy for her and just wanted to pick her up and hold her and tell her everything was going to be OK. The Little girl was so sad and scared and all I wanted to do was comfort her and protect her.
My therapist proceeded to ask me “Do you think that is you?” I realized then, yes it was me. It was such an eye opener for me. I had realized that I was locking myself in that room every time I got scared, or afraid. This was a big break through for me. I still think about that Little Girl in The room and for some reason I still protect her.