It’s hard for me to go around my family because I have made so many changes in my life and I have set some healthy boundaries. It is truly sad when you cant attend a birthday party, wedding, or birth of a child because you know your family will be there and you know it will just ruin the occasion that you are celebrating and you dont want to take from that special day. I have to say I feel sorry for them but at the same time very resentful also. They are very defensive and you cant just have a sit down normal conversation with them without the gossip flowing from their mouths. He said, she said, they said, you said and I dont live like that today. Besides it really brings my spirit down. I just want to sit and talk about the good things in life and share where they are at today and all the good things in life that are going on. That would make me happy but who wants happy with them when they can continue to point the finger and speak about others down and outs and feel good about themselves? I cant bring myself to participate in that anymore. It’s just sad that their first thought is a hateful thought and not a kind or compassionate thought.
I dont wish any ill will towards my family and I would never intentionally hurt or harm them. Yes, I have heard some things about my family through a certain person who continues to speak to them and then me, but I don’t trust what she says and have to hear it for myself. I cant judge on gossip so I don’t. There is ALWAYS a finger pointing contest when being around them and I just dont like going there. I have pointed many fingers myself and I know how that goes but today I know that if I’m judging others there will be 3 fingers pointing back at me and I just am done with the finger pointing contest. I have gotten a lot of flack from my family for writing this blog and for some reason they become defensive and threatening instead of encouraging me to heal and support me in a loving way for dealing with my past and moving forward. I guess it is hard for my mother to understand all the sexual abuse that has happened to me and she wants to live in denial of anything ever happening but how can you explain all the sexual abuse, physical abuse, and mental abuse. I remember it all and I’m trying to deal with it as best as I know how and what was suggested to me by my therapist in trying to heal. Where is that positive feed back that I need to move forward? I’m looking for approval that I will never get and never got my whole entire life.
So with this said I had to move on and not stay in a sick, unstable state of mind. That is where the boundaries came in. I dont agree with many things they do in their lives but I also dont choose to bring up their past an throw it in their faces. I choose to move on and have compassion for them Actually I feel sorry for them. It’s hard to live in denial and gossip. It has to be a consistent cycle of chaos and insanity where you never get anywhere but the exact place you started. I know because I lived that way before in my past. Upon working a program I let go of all that chaos and insanity and moved forward. My life is peaceful today with nothing but good things happening and I’m able to be a trustworthy, dependent person. I dont need to make you look bad just so I can feel good about myself. That is what I call “devils tool”. It keep’s a person in a miserable place where they have no way out but to continue doing the same thing over and over again wishing things could change. The Jay Walker. I know that some of what I write in my blog may hurt feelings but I cant lie, I have to share the truth in order to move on. So if this hurts my relationship’s with my family my intentions are not to hurt them but for me to heal. Healing is what helps me to move forward. God knows my intentions and I have no ill will or harm in any of my thoughts or words. All I have is compassion. So with all of this said, cant we all just get along? Why all the fuss and finger pointing, and trying to hurt or harm another person? A person that is your daughter, mother, sister, brother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin. Let bygones be bygones and lets move forward. It takes what it takes and everyone is so quick to point the finger but if I bring something up, the truth, I’m punished for doing so. Get over yourself because life is too short to continue to live as if you are perfect and never made a mistake in your life. Abandon yourself to God, forgive and move forward. It is the only way.
We should NEVER be made to fell guilty for the truth or how we feel.
It has been a while since I have shared on my blog and I feel there is a need to now that is near the holidays. I have grown so much and I’m Grateful for all the people in my life today and would not want it any other way. Lot’s of things have been going on with me but I’m able to accept it for what it is right here and right now in this moment. I remember the same time last year I was in a depression and crying all the time feeling as if I could not help myself. (working a program helps with removing some of this). This year I find myself walking into the shopping malls and stores singing holiday cheer and smiling at all these people with no smiles on their faces. What a big difference in working a program and not working a program.
Seems that many people stray from working their program as they get comfortable with where they are and they forget and the mental relapse starts (this has happened to me). Sometimes you can catch this and get back on track and sometimes it is just too late. Most people are struggling a lot around the holiday season with deaths and family. For me the next right thing to do when you dont know what to do is to pray, this was passed onto me and now I pass it onto you. Prayer is a very powerful tool but if you dont use it how can it work?
Family is a touchy subject for me as I dont go near mine anymore. Thank God for Al-Anon. Now some of you may be able to visit with your families ans by The Grace of God you have that family relationship but I choose not to be near mine for my Peace and my Serenity. I would have never known how to deal with my family if it wasn’t for Al-Anon and my long time friends around the tables. Today my family is my sobriety sisters, the people around the tables, and my sponcer and my church. I do associate with my children, my brother, some of my cousins and my father but these are mostly long distance relationships. This process of having a Happy Holiday took a lot of hard work on my part and a lot of change. Today I could sit at home alone and know that I’m loved but that took some years of hard work. Besides none of my sober family would never allow that today. *smiles*
With these holidays coming up I have also found myself doing a lot of volunteer work. I love volunteer work and I love making it my own. (Anyone that knows me knows I will add my own twist onto anything to make it more fun.)
Ringing a bell with lots of friends ringing with me and singing Christmas Carols and doing the Holiday dance while making people smile.
Giving to others who are less fortunate then me….I love this one because it is always nice to give to someone who really needs it.
Sharing my home to another person who is struggling or who is a newcomer around the tables. My suggestion is dont do this unless you have some experience and time behind your belt.
Find something to do for someone else and it will drag you right out of self and into an inner peace and happiness you never thought you had.
Had a wonderful weekend this past weekend. Enjoyed the activities of the birthday party with the great food and awesome company. I rarely get a chance to enjoy life such as this, there is always some type of drama or chaos that gets started at these functions. Luckily, the birthday party was great and a memory I will always cherish. My daughter was happy and enjoying herself and we were all running around spraying each other with a hose. No yelling, no one threatening one another just plain fun. I sure miss those times and it makes me strive to want to work towards more of those memories. Oh how I love family functions when they go right. ♥
For years I lived my life being afraid. Afraid of saying the truth, afraid of being me. I have been receiving threatening messages from family members because of my blog. Well I’m no longer afraid.
I have boundaries and I respect myself enough to not fall into the chaos and the insanity that others bring from not being in control. Somehow, someway my sick family has found my blog and now wants to confront me on my past and what I should and should not be doing. Well I’m an adult and I will share what I want to share about MY LIFE and MY PAST struggles and I have every right to do so. Now if it bothers you that bad then DONT READ IT! AND yes, It’s that easy.
For them it is all about control, it seems they have no control and so they want to try and force me to continue living a sick miserable life as they still do. Well my choice is to live in Peace and Serenity today.
Sorry, It’s not gonna happen. I’m Happy, Joyous and Free today. Know one and I mean Know one will step into my life and tell me what to do. It has been years that I have distanced myself from these people and they still want to try and control my every action. I have been living in fear afraid to speak my mind and I refuse to live in fear today. If someone does not like what I write they don’t have to read it. Its that easy. Move on and get a life and stay out of mine. There is a reason for the distance and it’s because I don’t want to be associated with any of you.
Now this does not mean I don’t have a past and I have not struggled , it just means I have dealt with my past and I have forgiven myself such as God has forgiven me and that is what makes me who I am today.
But let me say this…By my family telling me what I have done does not fix me, I’m the one who haves to do the work on me and fix myself, trying to tell me what to do does not fix anything, it just proves to me that they are still sick and confirms that I’m making the right decisions in my life today. Just that easy. I have done a lot of work on myself and I’m in a peaceful place today and because they are not does not mean I should suffer. So with all this rambling I just want to say, I’m No Longer Afraid. No more trying to bully me into anything.
Get Your Own House In Order and focus on yourself.
Keep doing what your doing and keep getting what you got.
Lately I have been having some really bad dreams and I’m not sure why but my only guess is that since I have been working out at the gym these dreams have started to develop. The dream I had this morning seems so real to me that I woke myself up yelling. My dream seems to me as a nightmare and I still feel yucky inside and I say yucky because I cant quit describe what I feel other than fearful and yucky so maybe if I share the dream I can get some input on what it means or why I feel the way I feel.
NOTE: This dream was about my sister for some reason, now let me explain some of the situations she has put herself in. She has very bad behavior when she drinks. She cant control her overall body functions down to her bladder. It’s almost as if she is in some kind of coma. My sister has had epilepsy since she was 12 and she has those kind of seizures where she looks like the exorcist girl when she does have them. Yes, she looks possessed and that really scares the hell out of me. I was never able to help her as a child when she had these episodes because I was so afraid and would have to run and get someone if it happened around me. I have only seen 3 episodes but she has many. OK, so back to her behavior, When you are around her drinking no matter where she was, with her children (all 7 of them) or in a public place, the responsibility of taking care of her automatically became yours. Especially if you are a family member.
The dream starts out in a very positive manner, I met someone I was happy to meet and was getting along so well with the person that we became close. I then made the decision to leave and meet this person later on that evening at a certain time. All was going so well and I feeling very content. I then get to my home in my dream and go inside of my home and I start looking around and everything is a mess. Too my surprise I start picking up everything and I come upon a persons leg so I follow it and figure out it is my niece. I then look up through the sliding glass door of my home and I see my sister laying out on the patio with some strange man (don’t know who he is). Now want to get ready as I want to meet my friend that I met earlier in my dream but I know this is going to be a problem because as I’m looking outside and opening the glass door to try and find out why she is at my home, more and more of her children are showing up. (small children, children that are unable to take care of themselves while my sister is under the influence). I ask my sister “What are you doing here?” she replies with some kind of jumbled answer “What The F** do you mean?” I’m frustrated by now because this will become my responsibility if I don’t get her out. I have to get her and her children out of my home in my dream I’m suppose to meet someone at a certain time right? So I start to tell her that she needs to get out and she goes all ape crazy on me (still in her drunken stooper) and grabs a bat and chases me to the neighbors house where I find safety. Now I know all of this sounds crazy but this kind of stuff actually happened in my life, not this situation but the actions are very close. Now I’m at the neighbors and so I eventually have to call the police to get her out of my home and the neighbors have to leave because they have another engagement so they leave me a lone in their home. A police officer shows up and is telling me they cant do anything even though she is drunk and has all of her children with her and they cant remove her from my home. What? Same ole same ole. So then the officer suggests that I call the children’s agency to come and do a welfare check. While all of this is going on my sister is antagonizing me and coming closer and closer trying to provoke me into reacting so I will come outside of my neighbors home so she can hit me with a bat. I’m fearful of getting hit with a bat so I’m trying to do the right thing by following all of the instructions that the officer is telling me to do. Needless to say the officer leaves and my sister (under her drunk stooper) continues to push her luck and cross those boundaries and get closer and closer to me even getting into my neighbors home and walking in and walking out right next to me with the bat. So finally I decide I have to stand up for myself and I yell loudly “Get Out Of The House!” This is when I wake myself up.
The feelings I have are so undesirable after awakening. I felt so hopeless and helpless as if there was no way out of the situation. The boundaries I was setting with her where intentionally being broke so I got to the point where I was going to have to stand up to her and let her know that she cant do this any more. I know I did not want her to become my responsibility as it use to be in my younger days and there was no talking to her because you cant reason with someone under the influence and at the same time she was getting defensive and there was going to be no way out other then violence.
So that was most of my dream and if anyone can help me with understanding it I sure would appreciate it. The feelings I had in the dream are still effecting me and probably will go with me through out the day until I have finally forgotten as this always happens.
NOTE: This was only a dream. I have been in situations similar to this and I don’t like the way the situations make me feel.