I was always told to share my story, So I started this blog
I have been sharing some of my of past and some of my thoughts on recovery but I never thought in a million years that there would be so many others out there that can relate to my writings. I guess that is what I get for thinking. It is always nice to know that you are not alone and that there are others that feel the same way you do.
I take breaks to go and read other blogs that have been posted and shared and I’m finding out more and more that I dont have to struggle as much as I do in being honest and sharing because I’m not alone. I’m truly grateful for all of my readers, followers, and commentator’s. It helps me to stay humble, blessed, and compassionate. So for all of my readers that have visited my blog I’m grateful for you all. Please keep sharing with me as this gives me hope. It is always nice to hear some of your stories.
Never, ever did I think t that there was so many kind and compassion hearts in so many people and for this I just want to say ” I’m Grateful”.
It’s hard for me to go around my family because I have made so many changes in my life and I have set some healthy boundaries. It is truly sad when you cant attend a birthday party, wedding, or birth of a child because you know your family will be there and you know it will just ruin the occasion that you are celebrating and you dont want to take from that special day. I have to say I feel sorry for them but at the same time very resentful also. They are very defensive and you cant just have a sit down normal conversation with them without the gossip flowing from their mouths. He said, she said, they said, you said and I dont live like that today. Besides it really brings my spirit down. I just want to sit and talk about the good things in life and share where they are at today and all the good things in life that are going on. That would make me happy but who wants happy with them when they can continue to point the finger and speak about others down and outs and feel good about themselves? I cant bring myself to participate in that anymore. It’s just sad that their first thought is a hateful thought and not a kind or compassionate thought.
I dont wish any ill will towards my family and I would never intentionally hurt or harm them. Yes, I have heard some things about my family through a certain person who continues to speak to them and then me, but I don’t trust what she says and have to hear it for myself. I cant judge on gossip so I don’t. There is ALWAYS a finger pointing contest when being around them and I just dont like going there. I have pointed many fingers myself and I know how that goes but today I know that if I’m judging others there will be 3 fingers pointing back at me and I just am done with the finger pointing contest. I have gotten a lot of flack from my family for writing this blog and for some reason they become defensive and threatening instead of encouraging me to heal and support me in a loving way for dealing with my past and moving forward. I guess it is hard for my mother to understand all the sexual abuse that has happened to me and she wants to live in denial of anything ever happening but how can you explain all the sexual abuse, physical abuse, and mental abuse. I remember it all and I’m trying to deal with it as best as I know how and what was suggested to me by my therapist in trying to heal. Where is that positive feed back that I need to move forward? I’m looking for approval that I will never get and never got my whole entire life.
So with this said I had to move on and not stay in a sick, unstable state of mind. That is where the boundaries came in. I dont agree with many things they do in their lives but I also dont choose to bring up their past an throw it in their faces. I choose to move on and have compassion for them Actually I feel sorry for them. It’s hard to live in denial and gossip. It has to be a consistent cycle of chaos and insanity where you never get anywhere but the exact place you started. I know because I lived that way before in my past. Upon working a program I let go of all that chaos and insanity and moved forward. My life is peaceful today with nothing but good things happening and I’m able to be a trustworthy, dependent person. I dont need to make you look bad just so I can feel good about myself. That is what I call “devils tool”. It keep’s a person in a miserable place where they have no way out but to continue doing the same thing over and over again wishing things could change. The Jay Walker. I know that some of what I write in my blog may hurt feelings but I cant lie, I have to share the truth in order to move on. So if this hurts my relationship’s with my family my intentions are not to hurt them but for me to heal. Healing is what helps me to move forward. God knows my intentions and I have no ill will or harm in any of my thoughts or words. All I have is compassion. So with all of this said, cant we all just get along? Why all the fuss and finger pointing, and trying to hurt or harm another person? A person that is your daughter, mother, sister, brother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin. Let bygones be bygones and lets move forward. It takes what it takes and everyone is so quick to point the finger but if I bring something up, the truth, I’m punished for doing so. Get over yourself because life is too short to continue to live as if you are perfect and never made a mistake in your life. Abandon yourself to God, forgive and move forward. It is the only way.
We should NEVER be made to fell guilty for the truth or how we feel.
Sometimes I find that doing the right thing is hard. A I had a bit of a disagreement with a new comer last week and right in the middle of the meeting I corrected her. Then of course I had gotten the response I did not want but by that time I really did not care. I knew I was in the wrong for cross talking but I just had this feeling come over me and I could not control my erge to correct her. I get discouraged when I hear someone has been coming around the table’s for 2 years and all they have to talk about is others. The woman shared that she worked at a gas station in a small town and that she knew who had drinking problems, who was on probation, and who was in AA and continued to share how she would proceed to tell them since they have a problem they did not need the alcohol. Well this made my blood biol since this woman had 2 years of sobriety and takes it upon herself to point out others problems at her job. Who gives any of us the right to harm people in this way? I caught the woman after the meeting and asked her why she would do this and she proceeded to tell me it was her job to tell them that they have a problem.
First off if I have worked most of the steps I would not be in a place to point others flaws out to them. I have no need to look at you and judge you, matter fact I have compassion in my heart for you no matter what situation. Remember folks when we get to the point that we look at others backyards and not our own we start to fall back into our old ways and out old thinking which leads us to relapse. The best ACTION to take is to live by example. Attraction NOT promotion. I can not fix you but I can show you how my life has changed through working the steps. Dont get comfortable in taking others inventory because it really is a dangerous place to be.
Stay Humble, Compassionate, and focused on you.
NOTE: I wrote this post a few months ago over the summer of 2013 but never finished it. Since editing this post today the woman soon went back out and has not returned back to the tables. My thoughts are, I will keep her in my prayers and have the compassion for her that she could not show towards others.