Sharing the Bad


I started this blog to share my past stories of abuse and experience I went through to grow. I’m finding it hard to follow through and struggling with myself to even go there. This confuses me as I have spoken about it in therapy years ago and thought that I had gotten better at sharing. Don’t get me wrong I have many of memories that I can share but when sharing it is always a process. As an abused person it is like re-living that memory all over again and re-hashing those feelings of abandonment, fear, terror, and loneliness.  I love my life today and don’t like interrupting it with all the negative energy, and feelings but I know by sharing I get stronger and stronger. Today I struggle to share but once out I feel empowered.  I want the healing process to begin again and start the journey of letting go. So with this said I’m going to try to focus on getting my story out.

God Speed all my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Advertisements

The Cleveland 3


ClevelandDetails

I have been following the case of the 3 women who have been taken hostage for 10 years. They have been violated, beaten, starved, tortured and more, this brings so many memories to mind and the flood gates open. As soon as I started following the case Tuesday morning the first thing that came to mind was pure relief for all 3 young girls. I could not stop crying as I had so much compassion for these tortured souls and can relate. I was once imprisoned in my younger age in an abusive relationship just as them but only had to survive 2 years of imprisonment and daily beatings. I can just imagine how they feel.

For those of you who have been following the story of the 3 Cleveland, Ohio women lets show our support and donate to help them get through this trying time. I know from experience it takes years to get to the point in your life where you feel safe again and sometimes you never recover.

I’m praying for you all. ♥

God Bless

On Wednesday, it was announced that the Cleveland Courage Fund had been established through the Cleveland Foundation to support Michelle Knight, Amanda Berry and Gina DeJesus.

Donations to the fund will go to qualified nonprofit organizations to provide services for the victims.

Click here to donate online.

Donations may also be mailed to:

Cleveland Courage Fund
c/o the Cleveland Foundation
1422 Euclid Ave., Suite 1300
Cleveland, Ohio 44115

Donations will also be accepted at Key Bank locations.

Anyone interested in making an in-kind donation may email ClevelandCourageFund@gmail.com.

Knight, Berry and DeJesus went missing as young women in 2002, 2003 and 2004 respectively.

A decade later, they escaped from a Seymour Avenue home on the city’s west side.

All of the information above was collected at THIS WEBSITE.

They are alive!

The Story of the 3 Kidnapped Victims

A Struggle with Fear


Fear is one of my many character defects that I will continually have to work on. If it is not fear from people it is fear from what will be done to me. I have been working with my counselor and thought that I had recovered but then we start to discuss a new topic and it opens me up to think about how I isolate myself from being hurt or taken advantage of. Looking at myself now I feel strong and depend on something more powerful then myself which is prayer but this does not always take all the damage that has been done to me as a child away. I’m learning so many new things about myself. Fear is one of the most controlling emotions that will always have a hold of me and run all of my decisions and actions that I make while trudging through this lonely life. I feel that Fear has also kept me from committing to a meaning relationship in these past 10 years of my life. I have been more then self sufficient and surround myself with positive people but the fear of allowing myself to trust is a horrible control.

When I was a child family members, close friends, and sometimes strangers came to my bedroom wanting sexual favors from me, forcing me to do horrible acts of sex that no child should have to endure, only to pray to God to help me. These actions have not only damaged me physically but also mentally, my thinking will never be the same no matter how many years pass in my life. Not to be able to go to your one protector, the one person you trust after the fact and tell her that something bad happened last night, only to be faced with excuses for these sexual predators, blame me and tell me it was my own fault, is the most loneliest feeling in the world. What happened to that Mothers Love and Protection she was suppose to have? I always worried about my children, there was that built in mother wolf always looking out for them. I would never in one minute ever regret being over baring because I know I listened, I know I protected them the best that I could. My children were that small child that never got the protection that little girl should have received.

How could a person, especially your own mother not want to get to the bottom of these terrifying accusations? My mother would tell me that I was lying, that I was making stories up, and I was trying to ruin her life. As a child and now as an adult I will never comprehend the treatment of a child such as this and I never will. It has taken me many years and many therapy sessions to finally realize that no matter what I did to try and get my own mothers acceptance it was not going to happen. I had to let go of the fact that my mother was a companionship humane being and would live in denial her entire life. There would never be any resolution to being able to try and deal with this part of my life and I had to except it for what it was and move on in order for me to heal and get better.

I cry myself to sleep for that little girl many nights. Imagine not having the person you most trust in your life telling you your lying. I had know one to go to, to comfort me or protect me and love me, I was alone. I felt so abandoned and betrayed. It is the most horrible feeling in the world as a child.

So today as I trudge through this life of adulthood Yes, there are many fears in my life and these fears cripple me from having a healthy, meaningful relationships with men. As I’m getting older I’m getting use to it as I would not wish upon any normal humane being to have to deal with my baggage so, I protect myself and I protect them also from myself and my damage.

Little Girl in The Room


When I was going through therapy these memories were the hardest one’s to deal with as I had to deal with the feelings that I had cut off, numbed, and forgotten.

I sat down in the office as I usually do and we started to talk. I was asked “So when do you think the abuse started?” I was thinking. The first thing that came up was The Little Girl in The Room. In my mind I could picture this little girl in a cute ruffled dress backing up from the door every time it opened. She was scared and afraid of what was going to come through that door. I felt sympathy for her and just wanted to pick her up and hold her and tell her everything was going to be OK. The Little girl was so sad and scared and all I wanted to do was comfort her and protect her.
My therapist proceeded to ask me “Do you think that is you?” I realized then, yes it was me. It was such an eye opener for me. I had realized that I was locking myself in that room every time I got scared, or afraid. This was a big break through for me. I still think about that Little Girl in The room and for some reason I still protect her.