Need and Supply


This is something I have not thought about in a while but I can relate to. I need to have my eye’s open and my heart wide open. When I get too anxious or fidgety am I thinking about what I want and not what I need? Sometimes I have to be in the right spiritual space to realize that my needs are being met. When I need food it is there, when I need help, it is there, when I need love, it is there, when I need peace, there was peace.

Sometimes I need to feel the need to notice and accept the gift that is being offered to me. Closing my eyes to desire closes my arms to fulfillment and this is a continuous cycle I  need to break. Everything I need has already been planned and provided.  Today everything I need is already in front of me and I will stop demanding what I think I need.

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

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Shame,Guilt,Fear


As I grew early on  in my 12 Step program I found that I was carrying a heavy load. I had much shame, guilt and fear inside of me. Shame for all my past mistakes, Guilt for exposing my children to my alcoholic behavior, and Fear for what was to come. As I learned that I could turn my will over and stop beating myself up the healing process started. This did not mean it happened over night but as long as I kept working the steps and applying them into my life I worked through those feelings. I think the guilt was the hardest to work through because I knew that my past behavior effected my children and they were only innocent bi standards. I was allowing my children to cross boundaries because it was all my fault and then the shame kicked in. As my spiritual side started to grow I started to realize that I could set healthy boundaries with my family and not worry about hurting their feelings, besides I only wanted them to get better and learn knew ways of dealing with life. We in recovery have to be careful of these feeling because this can allow other’s to not respect us and if we don’t deal with the unhealthy behavior nothing changes.

Fear was the hardest behavior I had to work on because I was so use to running from anything I had to deal with, it was all whelming to me. We have to understand as we grow in recovery we are NOT use to feeling, besides we masked our pain with the drug (alcohol,cocaine,pills).  All of those raw feelings crop up on us and we don’t know how to deal with them. During this time we need to make sure that we stay close to other’s in recovery so that we may learn how to deal with all of the new emotions.

As we learn to deal with these feelings and learn to own our own power we can get use to dealing with life in general and the after effects of our emotions dwindle away.

Lets learn to deal with our Shame, Guilt, and Fear today and learn to take car of ourselves.

 

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Ordered my book


Last night I finally broke down and ordered the book Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. Many years ago I had the book and read it with all of my other daily meditations but I passed that book onto one of my sponcee’s.  I defiantly recommend this book for anyone in recovery as it shares many solutions on dealing with different situations. If you have not noticed I have a link posted on my page called Property Lines and this page comes from that book and has been a big life changer for me.

I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas now having to wait for the books to get here in the mail. I ordered an extra one just in case I have another sponcee I would like to pass one onto to. Excited to read and relate to all of her daily meditations and willing to work on myself on a daily basis this book means so much to me and helped me get through the 12 steps of AA early on in sobriety. So, with all this said, with butterflies in my stomach whatever daily meditation you can relate to read it. Mine always helps me just for that day.

 

God Speed all my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Saving Me


This past week I have had 5 visits from all types of religions.

  • First: The Jehovah Witnesses
  • Second:  The Church of Latter Day Saints
  • Third: The Baptist Church
  • Fourth: The Church of Latter Day Saints Again.
  • Fifth: The Jehovah Witnesses Again.

Now for some reason these people feel obligated to save me, just like my father says “My purpose in life is to save you”.

WHAT? I’m a responsible human being and I have a relationship with my Higher Power whom I choose to call God.

What is going on with all these religious beliefs?

I don’t come to your home and knock on your door and ask you if you believe the way I do. I don’t ask you to come to a 12 Step Meeting. Actually I think this would solve everyone’s problems. I don’t tell you that you are going to hell if you don’t go to a 12 Step Meeting.

I want to ask them how many times a week do they pray? Most of them if they are honest are going to say 3 because that is how many times most of these people attend church a week.

I pray 14 times a week. Morning and evening everyday. Probably more then they do. My relationship with God is stronger than it has ever been. I tried their way in the past and it never worked.

Dont get me wrong, I respect what they believe, I just don’t believe in showing up at someone’s door and telling them “If you dont believe the way I believe you are going to Hell”. This statement was shared with me all through my life and almost ended my life. I became an alcoholic and all my hope was gone, I gave up on myself because I was damned for life. Good Lord people cant you just say “Hi, my name is Joan, and I just want to give you some hope, I will not judge you, or lie to you, I will show compassion and accept you the way that you are”.

Stop the abuse of telling people they will go to Hell if they do NOT believe. Start giving people hope that God is a Loving God, A Forgiving God, An Accepting God, and a Hopeful God. Stop Damning Everyone because they don’t have your beliefs!

Whatever you are in religion does not make who you are as a person, your actions and words make who you are. If you truly want to spread Gods word you MUST live it, it is the only way to truly get believers.

I live what I believe everyday and I show kindness and compassion to everyone.

  • The Atheist
  • The Agnostic
  • The Prostitute
  • The Drug Addict
  • The Sinner

I live my life as God would want me to.

Giving people hope. Do You?

Stop trying to save me and focus on what Jesus did. He never judged one person.

I’ am a Christian and I’m Proud of it!

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Liebster Award


liebster banner

Well I just found out that I have been nominated for the ever so precious Liebster Blog Award by Ellie. You can see her blog HERE. Ellie has an awesome blog that I have been reading about her trails and tribulations of life and I’m truly grateful for all her sharing as I can relate to what she writes. She has a kind and compassionate heart and her blog has made me do some deep soul-searching with her truth. I love that she has a sense of humor and that she can still be forward. I relate to her writings as I have been through the same abuse that she has been through and can relate to her postings.

I would like to introduce to a kind and compassionate girl named Ellie.

11 Questions that are asked of me

1.What is the best thing about you?
2.What time of day do you blog?
3.How many revisions does it take before you finally publish?
4.Who is/was the most influential person in your life
5.In one word describe yourself
6.Where do you see yourself one year from now?
7.What is your favourite social media?
8.What type of blogs do you follow?
9.What is the motivating factor for you to blog?
10.How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it
11.What have you learned about yourself from blogging?

These are my answers

Q. 1.What is the best thing about you?

A. My kindness and compassion for others.

Q, 2.What time of day do you blog?

A. Morning.

Q 3.How many revisions does it take before you finally publish?

A. Most of the time only 1.

Q. 4.Who is/was the most influential person in your life?

A.  Melody Beattie.

Q. 5.In one word describe yourself?

A.  Strong.

Q. 6.Where do you see yourself one year from now?

A. Right were God has put me. Still sharing my life struggles and hope and helping those who need help.

Q. 7.What is your favourite social media?

A. Facebook of course. lol

Q. 8.What type of blogs do you follow?

A.  Any blog that shares their experience, strength and hope.

Q. 9.What is the motivating factor for you to blog?

A. To share my stories to those whom are struggling with life and have come out of it with a whole new outlook. If I can help just 1 person with my honesty I would be happy. God does NOT make junk and so many people have been through what I have been through and my only goal in life is to share HOPE.

Q. 10.How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it?

A. Honest, encouraging, and gratitude.

Q. 11.What have you learned about yourself from blogging?

A. That I don’t have to be that scared little girl I once was by showing a kind and compassionate heart. Also, that God is all forgiving.

Rules for accepting the award

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you.

2. Answer the 11 questions given to you.

3. Nominate 11 other blogs with less than 500 followers.

4. Post 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

5. Tag your nominees and post a comment on their blog to let them know you nominated them.

Here are my nominees:

I love the inspiration

Great reads from the heart

I love ethe way she expresses herself

I can relate to her reads. They are inspiring.

This blog has some great reads that I can really relate to.

I love her honesty and strength.

Nancy shares hope and faith and it is so inspiring.

The shares on this page gives me hope in sobriety.

David has some Great Knowledge and Wisdom and I love his honesty.

I love the work she share and her artistic views.

I love her journey, strength and outlook upon life.

Trusting God


There are some situations that I can’t do anything about and when I find myself struggling to try to fix the situations I find myself realizing there is nothing I can do but put my trust in God. My willingness today depends on my relationship with a Higher Power whom I choose to call God. When I find myself in a situation where I’m hurting I find myself asking God why and then learning to turn my will and life over to the care of God. I find peace in these actions. I have found when I become dependent on God I become dependent on myself more and more. For me this was and is a freeing process. Living life on life’s terms is sometimes hard for me. I find myself imposing my will and then realize that my will never works. When I trust in my Higher Power I learn to let it go.  For me in the beginning it was a relationship I had to build gradually since I looked at God in a punishing way and was punishing myself. When I started to see God as a loving, caring and forgiving God is when my relationship began and I was able to forgive myself and move on. Life has become a different journey for me when I learned to trust God and turn my will over. So whatever Higher Power you have learned to trust in it. This process always grows throughout the years.

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Relapse and Red Flags


Or as they are called….Triggers

I wanted to talk about relapse for a moment. I have seen a lot of posts on the subject relapse and the struggles that people go through when they do relapse.  First off relapse does not have to be an option, but for me it was and I want to share how I got through it. Stop judging yourself and thinking about all the people you let down during your relapse. This brings on major guilt and keeps you from coming back to the tables of recovery. It will bring you no glory to sit and beat yourself up over a mistake that you made. Learning to forgive yourself and accepting that you are human is the very first step in recovery and will get you back around the tables much more quicker. If you sit in your crap long enough it will eat you alive and the disease will take you with it down the road of helplessness, hopelessness, and discontent.

When I had my first relapse I had to figure out why I relapsed. I would sit down with old timers for hours and pick their brains and they were more then happy to help me figure it out. You will find that most old timers only want to help and they are great for helping you along the way if you want a straight and honest answer. Don’t worry about then hurting your feelings because at this moment you are willing to o to any lengths, at least I know I was.

I had to figure out what was my red flags (trigger) and how where they going to save me? I had found out that I had not set up any healthy boundaries and I was only falling back onto what I knew before coming to the tables so I had to do some deep thinking about what made me react the way I did.

I didn’t not pick up the phone as soon as I started to relapse in my mind, second off I did not change my actions. Every time I was miserable or un happy I would just drive to the liquor store to pick up my favorite drink and start numbing the pain all over again instead of putting another action there. Look, nothing changes if nothing changes so I had to change my reaction to certain situations and if that called for me to drive to a meeting instead or in my case we had a local 12 step club that I could drive to and sit and release whatever feelings I had without feeling any shame because the people there knew exactly what I was going through.

You have to change your reaction.  So I made safety plans for myself. If I felt like I wanted to harm someone  or myself by drinking I had to change my reaction to it and by doing so it helped me. I was able to volunteer at our local 12 step club for 3 months and that kept me very busy and it made it easier for me to grow. If you dont have anything like this in your area find a local food bank, church, anything and volunteer some of that time you have to helping others. I promise it will help you stay sober.

Find out what your red flags are. Mine was family, chaos, loneliness, resentments  ect… Pin Point those red flags and write them down on paper and then make a safety plan for yourself.

EXAMPLE: ONE OF MY REAL LIFE SAFETY PLANS

When visiting my mothers home there was always gossip and negativity in her home. I hated it and it made me feel some kind of way so I decided that when me and my children would go there on holidays we would always have a safety plan, so I sat them all down and we discussed what we would do if we started to feel uncomfortable. I told my kids if I approached them at their grandmas and said ” it is time to leave”,  do not question me, lets just go. Then I told the kids if one of them started to feel uncomfortable they could approach me and say “we need to leave”, I would not question their feelings and we would go.

WOW….There is a solution to our problem with family.

Some people, places and situations are just not good for you and you need to figure out what they are and figure out a solution to dealing with those situations instead of falling back onto your old behavior.

Relapse is optional but if you truly want to live a Happy, Joyous, and Free life you MUST do the work.

I never judge a person on a relapse because I had several of them and every time I went back out I learned a new lesson. Some of us recovering alcoholics, addicts, whatever you may be need this process in order to learn and then some never, ever go back out again.

It has taken me many years to figure out a solution to all my problems today and if I don’t have a solution I don’t put myself in situations I don’t know how to handle but I can tell you, Today I have peace and serenity in my life because of the choices and solutions I have in my life today.

So with all this information I hope you have learned something about relapse.

Fight for your sobriety because you deserve it!

God Speed my Brother and Sisters

TNH

If You Blog It They Will Come


I was always told to share my story, So I started this blog

I have been sharing some of my of past and some of my thoughts on recovery but I never thought in a million years that there would be so many others out there that can relate to my writings.  I guess that is what I get for thinking. It is always nice to know that you are not alone and that there are others that feel the same way you do.

I take breaks to go and read other blogs that have been posted and shared  and I’m finding out more and more that I dont have to struggle as much as I do in being honest and sharing because I’m not alone. I’m truly grateful for all of my readers, followers, and commentator’s. It helps me to stay humble, blessed, and compassionate. So for all of my readers that have visited my blog  I’m  grateful for you all. Please keep sharing with me as this gives me hope.  It is always nice to hear some of your stories.

Never, ever did I think t that there was so many kind and compassion hearts in so many people and for this I just want to say ” I’m Grateful”.

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Live By Example, Not Force By Self Will


Tradition Eleven—Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

  • 11. Awareness. (Seeking wisdom and God’s will for us) (Spirituality)

I have seen this many times by people around the tables. Too many people forcing their will upon new comers and seeing the new comer slowly leave from meetings.

My main point of sharing is to NOT to tell someone NOT to do something or “You better do this or you will relaps” and to do it MY way or you will die but to share my experience, strength, and hope  in a kind and compassionate way. From my experience this has worked for me and so I share what helped me. I understand that some people get worn out and frustrated and forget how the program of recovery works and they believe that some people need this militant type of discipline and they forget what it was like when they first walked into the doors of AA. I don’t see it going anywhere if I don’t show the same kind of compassion that was shown to me. Besides, when a person is ready, such as I was, they will be willing to go to any lengths to do whatever it takes to work on their sobriety.

It is sad to see new comers forced out the door from a person in recovery trying to force their will upon them. I choose to live by example today and if someone is attracted to that then it was meant to be. I dont jump on women when they first come in the door, I introduce myself and try to lighten the load for them because I know in the beginning it was hard for me to even be in the rooms of AA and I was not sure if I needed to be at an AA meeting with all those crazy people.  Lets just keep it simple and allow the new comer to first feel comfortable and safe coming to a meeting and not to force a new comer into doing a lot of step work in the beginning. I see this a lot in meetings and it saddens me to see a new comer leave because they were threatened or forced into following all these rules we have set for them.

I try to make an effort to let them know I’m not perfect and I do have a sense of humor today, and welcome the women and men. Give them some hope in the beginning not scare them to death.  So with all this said “Keep It Simple” my friends and set an example because when that new comer is ready they will come to you and if they are not ready well it was meant to be that way just for today.

So lets prayer to ask God to help us do his will and not our own and live by Tradition 11- Attraction rather then Promotion

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Humility


Sometimes I find that doing the right thing is hard. A I had a bit of a disagreement with a new comer last week and right in the middle of the meeting I corrected her. Then of course I had gotten the response I did not want but by that time I really did not care. I knew I was in the wrong for cross talking but I just had this feeling come over me and I could not control my erge to correct her. I get discouraged when I hear someone has been coming around the table’s for 2 years and all they have to talk about is others. The woman shared that she worked at a gas station in a small town and that she knew who had drinking problems, who was on probation, and who was in AA and continued to share how she would proceed to tell them since they have a problem they did not need the alcohol. Well this made my blood biol since this woman had 2 years of sobriety and takes it upon herself to point out others problems at her job. Who gives any of us the right to harm people in this way? I caught the woman after the meeting and asked her why she would do this and she proceeded to tell me it was her job to tell them that they have a problem.

First off if I have worked most of the steps I would not be in a place to point others flaws out to them. I have no need to look at you and judge you, matter fact I have compassion in my heart for you no matter what situation.  Remember folks when we get to the point that we look at others backyards and not our own we start to fall back into our old ways and out old thinking which leads us to relapse.  The best ACTION to take is to live by example. Attraction NOT promotion. I can not fix you but I can show you how my life has changed through working the steps. Dont get comfortable in taking others inventory because it really is a dangerous place to be.

Stay Humble,  Compassionate, and focused on you.

NOTE: I wrote this post a few months ago over the summer of 2013 but never finished it. Since editing this post today the woman soon went back out and has not returned back to the tables. My thoughts are, I will keep her in my prayers and have the compassion for her that she could not show towards others.

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH