Sharing the Bad


I started this blog to share my past stories of abuse and experience I went through to grow. I’m finding it hard to follow through and struggling with myself to even go there. This confuses me as I have spoken about it in therapy years ago and thought that I had gotten better at sharing. Don’t get me wrong I have many of memories that I can share but when sharing it is always a process. As an abused person it is like re-living that memory all over again and re-hashing those feelings of abandonment, fear, terror, and loneliness.  I love my life today and don’t like interrupting it with all the negative energy, and feelings but I know by sharing I get stronger and stronger. Today I struggle to share but once out I feel empowered.  I want the healing process to begin again and start the journey of letting go. So with this said I’m going to try to focus on getting my story out.

God Speed all my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

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Need and Supply


This is something I have not thought about in a while but I can relate to. I need to have my eye’s open and my heart wide open. When I get too anxious or fidgety am I thinking about what I want and not what I need? Sometimes I have to be in the right spiritual space to realize that my needs are being met. When I need food it is there, when I need help, it is there, when I need love, it is there, when I need peace, there was peace.

Sometimes I need to feel the need to notice and accept the gift that is being offered to me. Closing my eyes to desire closes my arms to fulfillment and this is a continuous cycle I  need to break. Everything I need has already been planned and provided.  Today everything I need is already in front of me and I will stop demanding what I think I need.

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Shame,Guilt,Fear


As I grew early on  in my 12 Step program I found that I was carrying a heavy load. I had much shame, guilt and fear inside of me. Shame for all my past mistakes, Guilt for exposing my children to my alcoholic behavior, and Fear for what was to come. As I learned that I could turn my will over and stop beating myself up the healing process started. This did not mean it happened over night but as long as I kept working the steps and applying them into my life I worked through those feelings. I think the guilt was the hardest to work through because I knew that my past behavior effected my children and they were only innocent bi standards. I was allowing my children to cross boundaries because it was all my fault and then the shame kicked in. As my spiritual side started to grow I started to realize that I could set healthy boundaries with my family and not worry about hurting their feelings, besides I only wanted them to get better and learn knew ways of dealing with life. We in recovery have to be careful of these feeling because this can allow other’s to not respect us and if we don’t deal with the unhealthy behavior nothing changes.

Fear was the hardest behavior I had to work on because I was so use to running from anything I had to deal with, it was all whelming to me. We have to understand as we grow in recovery we are NOT use to feeling, besides we masked our pain with the drug (alcohol,cocaine,pills).  All of those raw feelings crop up on us and we don’t know how to deal with them. During this time we need to make sure that we stay close to other’s in recovery so that we may learn how to deal with all of the new emotions.

As we learn to deal with these feelings and learn to own our own power we can get use to dealing with life in general and the after effects of our emotions dwindle away.

Lets learn to deal with our Shame, Guilt, and Fear today and learn to take car of ourselves.

 

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Ordered my book


Last night I finally broke down and ordered the book Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. Many years ago I had the book and read it with all of my other daily meditations but I passed that book onto one of my sponcee’s.  I defiantly recommend this book for anyone in recovery as it shares many solutions on dealing with different situations. If you have not noticed I have a link posted on my page called Property Lines and this page comes from that book and has been a big life changer for me.

I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas now having to wait for the books to get here in the mail. I ordered an extra one just in case I have another sponcee I would like to pass one onto to. Excited to read and relate to all of her daily meditations and willing to work on myself on a daily basis this book means so much to me and helped me get through the 12 steps of AA early on in sobriety. So, with all this said, with butterflies in my stomach whatever daily meditation you can relate to read it. Mine always helps me just for that day.

 

God Speed all my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Saving Me


This past week I have had 5 visits from all types of religions.

  • First: The Jehovah Witnesses
  • Second:  The Church of Latter Day Saints
  • Third: The Baptist Church
  • Fourth: The Church of Latter Day Saints Again.
  • Fifth: The Jehovah Witnesses Again.

Now for some reason these people feel obligated to save me, just like my father says “My purpose in life is to save you”.

WHAT? I’m a responsible human being and I have a relationship with my Higher Power whom I choose to call God.

What is going on with all these religious beliefs?

I don’t come to your home and knock on your door and ask you if you believe the way I do. I don’t ask you to come to a 12 Step Meeting. Actually I think this would solve everyone’s problems. I don’t tell you that you are going to hell if you don’t go to a 12 Step Meeting.

I want to ask them how many times a week do they pray? Most of them if they are honest are going to say 3 because that is how many times most of these people attend church a week.

I pray 14 times a week. Morning and evening everyday. Probably more then they do. My relationship with God is stronger than it has ever been. I tried their way in the past and it never worked.

Dont get me wrong, I respect what they believe, I just don’t believe in showing up at someone’s door and telling them “If you dont believe the way I believe you are going to Hell”. This statement was shared with me all through my life and almost ended my life. I became an alcoholic and all my hope was gone, I gave up on myself because I was damned for life. Good Lord people cant you just say “Hi, my name is Joan, and I just want to give you some hope, I will not judge you, or lie to you, I will show compassion and accept you the way that you are”.

Stop the abuse of telling people they will go to Hell if they do NOT believe. Start giving people hope that God is a Loving God, A Forgiving God, An Accepting God, and a Hopeful God. Stop Damning Everyone because they don’t have your beliefs!

Whatever you are in religion does not make who you are as a person, your actions and words make who you are. If you truly want to spread Gods word you MUST live it, it is the only way to truly get believers.

I live what I believe everyday and I show kindness and compassion to everyone.

  • The Atheist
  • The Agnostic
  • The Prostitute
  • The Drug Addict
  • The Sinner

I live my life as God would want me to.

Giving people hope. Do You?

Stop trying to save me and focus on what Jesus did. He never judged one person.

I’ am a Christian and I’m Proud of it!

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Liebster Award


liebster banner

Well I just found out that I have been nominated for the ever so precious Liebster Blog Award by Ellie. You can see her blog HERE. Ellie has an awesome blog that I have been reading about her trails and tribulations of life and I’m truly grateful for all her sharing as I can relate to what she writes. She has a kind and compassionate heart and her blog has made me do some deep soul-searching with her truth. I love that she has a sense of humor and that she can still be forward. I relate to her writings as I have been through the same abuse that she has been through and can relate to her postings.

I would like to introduce to a kind and compassionate girl named Ellie.

11 Questions that are asked of me

1.What is the best thing about you?
2.What time of day do you blog?
3.How many revisions does it take before you finally publish?
4.Who is/was the most influential person in your life
5.In one word describe yourself
6.Where do you see yourself one year from now?
7.What is your favourite social media?
8.What type of blogs do you follow?
9.What is the motivating factor for you to blog?
10.How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it
11.What have you learned about yourself from blogging?

These are my answers

Q. 1.What is the best thing about you?

A. My kindness and compassion for others.

Q, 2.What time of day do you blog?

A. Morning.

Q 3.How many revisions does it take before you finally publish?

A. Most of the time only 1.

Q. 4.Who is/was the most influential person in your life?

A.  Melody Beattie.

Q. 5.In one word describe yourself?

A.  Strong.

Q. 6.Where do you see yourself one year from now?

A. Right were God has put me. Still sharing my life struggles and hope and helping those who need help.

Q. 7.What is your favourite social media?

A. Facebook of course. lol

Q. 8.What type of blogs do you follow?

A.  Any blog that shares their experience, strength and hope.

Q. 9.What is the motivating factor for you to blog?

A. To share my stories to those whom are struggling with life and have come out of it with a whole new outlook. If I can help just 1 person with my honesty I would be happy. God does NOT make junk and so many people have been through what I have been through and my only goal in life is to share HOPE.

Q. 10.How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it?

A. Honest, encouraging, and gratitude.

Q. 11.What have you learned about yourself from blogging?

A. That I don’t have to be that scared little girl I once was by showing a kind and compassionate heart. Also, that God is all forgiving.

Rules for accepting the award

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you.

2. Answer the 11 questions given to you.

3. Nominate 11 other blogs with less than 500 followers.

4. Post 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

5. Tag your nominees and post a comment on their blog to let them know you nominated them.

Here are my nominees:

I love the inspiration

Great reads from the heart

I love ethe way she expresses herself

I can relate to her reads. They are inspiring.

This blog has some great reads that I can really relate to.

I love her honesty and strength.

Nancy shares hope and faith and it is so inspiring.

The shares on this page gives me hope in sobriety.

David has some Great Knowledge and Wisdom and I love his honesty.

I love the work she share and her artistic views.

I love her journey, strength and outlook upon life.

Fear of economic insecurity


Oh how I’m looking forward to sharing my hope on this topic. NOT

Today I’m so blessed by being a Grateful Alcoholic but my fears of economic insecurity has not left me. Today it is a healthy fear as I’m not trying to avoid my bills that come in the mail, I deal with them one step at a time. What the 12 steps has done for me is made me a responsible human being, paying my bills. Early on in sobriety I depended on whom ever I was dating at the time to pay my bills. As I kept going to meetings I started learning it had to either be my sobriety or the boyfriend that was still drinking, using, and very unhealthy for me. I had to make a choice. Do I want what these people had at the tables or do I want to return to my life of chaos and insanity and doing the same thing over, and over again getting the same results. It did not take me very long before I decided I had to let the abusive, using, drinking, violent, alcoholic boyfriend go. Of course I knew this would not be an easy process since I completely depended on him for my economic security but if I wanted to move forward I had to do it. Once I made that decision I depended completely on the people around the tables in meeting to get through it.

Once I made this decision I stuck with it. Besides I was promised a whole new outlook on life and a chance to live in peace and serenity. This was the best thing I ever did in my sobriety. No more co-dependency. Besides I could not fix him but I had the opportunity to fix me and that was all I wanted at that time. As I got more and more time around the tables I struggled with my finances. I use to run from my bill collectors and close my eyes and hope they would go away. As I continued to go to meetings and share my situation people around the tables would share their solution with me. The solution was to not run but call my bill collectors and explain my situation and try to work things out. WOW, what a solution, and it worked. I was more and more convinced that there was a whole new way of life. I never dealt with my finances in this way.

Only by the Grace of God today I have learned from the people around the tables to have Good Orderly Direction and today I deal with my finances the same way that was shared with me in the beginning. Of course I had to sit down and make a list of my needs and my wants and I had to weed out the things I wanted that I was paying for and focus on my needs such as my home, electric, water, food. I never realized all the things I was paying for that I truly did not need at that time. I got a job to help myself to pay my bills and all of a sudden I was seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
It works if you work it.

Today I’m not truly free of fear but as soon as I get paid, my bills are paid. Nothing more and nothing less. Sometimes I may have to juggle a couple of bills but I call my bill collectors and work things out. There is a solution. There is peace in my and I have financial security. I no longer avoid the bill collector and deal with them head on. This was one of my 4th step character defects and I can make my amends today.

For all those struggling with economic insecurity if you work your steps thoroughly you will be free and become a responsible adult and deal with whatever comes your way. There is hope.

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters
TBH

AA and Medicine


The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking

I was speaking to another member in the program the other day and I heard some really horrible stories on people who where on medications by a doctor and they where told by an old timer that they should not take medicine. We, the group as a whole should NOT be giving guidance on medications because we are NOT doctors. One horror story I have heard is a woman listened to one of the old timers and she ended up hospitalized for a whole entire month because she lost her mind.

If we are going to help other’s in the program we MUST live by example. Just because one member does not need medication does not mean the depressed, bipolar, anxious, paranoid alcoholic does not need medication. Everyone has a different chemistry in their bodies and react in different ways. Just because one member tells you that you dont need to take your medication does NOT mean that you should stop taking it. Consult your physician if you are concerned.

Also, there are those too that may also be on a certain type of narcotic that they can not just stop taking. I have met many people around the tables that are on pain medication for certain surgery’s and  diagnosed problems and they cant just stop taking the medication if they choose to do so, they MUST be weaned off.  For me as long as they are coming to meetings, only means that they want to be a member and have the right to be there no matter what kind of medications they take.

We are NOT relationship counselors, financial managers, doctors, lawyer’s and so on.

So next time someone around the tables shares with you that they are on medication, don’t become a doctor in 5 seconds.

God Speed my Sisters and Brothers

TBH

Trusting God


There are some situations that I can’t do anything about and when I find myself struggling to try to fix the situations I find myself realizing there is nothing I can do but put my trust in God. My willingness today depends on my relationship with a Higher Power whom I choose to call God. When I find myself in a situation where I’m hurting I find myself asking God why and then learning to turn my will and life over to the care of God. I find peace in these actions. I have found when I become dependent on God I become dependent on myself more and more. For me this was and is a freeing process. Living life on life’s terms is sometimes hard for me. I find myself imposing my will and then realize that my will never works. When I trust in my Higher Power I learn to let it go.  For me in the beginning it was a relationship I had to build gradually since I looked at God in a punishing way and was punishing myself. When I started to see God as a loving, caring and forgiving God is when my relationship began and I was able to forgive myself and move on. Life has become a different journey for me when I learned to trust God and turn my will over. So whatever Higher Power you have learned to trust in it. This process always grows throughout the years.

God Speed my Brothers and Sisters

TBH

Relapse and Red Flags


Or as they are called….Triggers

I wanted to talk about relapse for a moment. I have seen a lot of posts on the subject relapse and the struggles that people go through when they do relapse.  First off relapse does not have to be an option, but for me it was and I want to share how I got through it. Stop judging yourself and thinking about all the people you let down during your relapse. This brings on major guilt and keeps you from coming back to the tables of recovery. It will bring you no glory to sit and beat yourself up over a mistake that you made. Learning to forgive yourself and accepting that you are human is the very first step in recovery and will get you back around the tables much more quicker. If you sit in your crap long enough it will eat you alive and the disease will take you with it down the road of helplessness, hopelessness, and discontent.

When I had my first relapse I had to figure out why I relapsed. I would sit down with old timers for hours and pick their brains and they were more then happy to help me figure it out. You will find that most old timers only want to help and they are great for helping you along the way if you want a straight and honest answer. Don’t worry about then hurting your feelings because at this moment you are willing to o to any lengths, at least I know I was.

I had to figure out what was my red flags (trigger) and how where they going to save me? I had found out that I had not set up any healthy boundaries and I was only falling back onto what I knew before coming to the tables so I had to do some deep thinking about what made me react the way I did.

I didn’t not pick up the phone as soon as I started to relapse in my mind, second off I did not change my actions. Every time I was miserable or un happy I would just drive to the liquor store to pick up my favorite drink and start numbing the pain all over again instead of putting another action there. Look, nothing changes if nothing changes so I had to change my reaction to certain situations and if that called for me to drive to a meeting instead or in my case we had a local 12 step club that I could drive to and sit and release whatever feelings I had without feeling any shame because the people there knew exactly what I was going through.

You have to change your reaction.  So I made safety plans for myself. If I felt like I wanted to harm someone  or myself by drinking I had to change my reaction to it and by doing so it helped me. I was able to volunteer at our local 12 step club for 3 months and that kept me very busy and it made it easier for me to grow. If you dont have anything like this in your area find a local food bank, church, anything and volunteer some of that time you have to helping others. I promise it will help you stay sober.

Find out what your red flags are. Mine was family, chaos, loneliness, resentments  ect… Pin Point those red flags and write them down on paper and then make a safety plan for yourself.

EXAMPLE: ONE OF MY REAL LIFE SAFETY PLANS

When visiting my mothers home there was always gossip and negativity in her home. I hated it and it made me feel some kind of way so I decided that when me and my children would go there on holidays we would always have a safety plan, so I sat them all down and we discussed what we would do if we started to feel uncomfortable. I told my kids if I approached them at their grandmas and said ” it is time to leave”,  do not question me, lets just go. Then I told the kids if one of them started to feel uncomfortable they could approach me and say “we need to leave”, I would not question their feelings and we would go.

WOW….There is a solution to our problem with family.

Some people, places and situations are just not good for you and you need to figure out what they are and figure out a solution to dealing with those situations instead of falling back onto your old behavior.

Relapse is optional but if you truly want to live a Happy, Joyous, and Free life you MUST do the work.

I never judge a person on a relapse because I had several of them and every time I went back out I learned a new lesson. Some of us recovering alcoholics, addicts, whatever you may be need this process in order to learn and then some never, ever go back out again.

It has taken me many years to figure out a solution to all my problems today and if I don’t have a solution I don’t put myself in situations I don’t know how to handle but I can tell you, Today I have peace and serenity in my life because of the choices and solutions I have in my life today.

So with all this information I hope you have learned something about relapse.

Fight for your sobriety because you deserve it!

God Speed my Brother and Sisters

TNH