It’s hard for me to go around my family because I have made so many changes in my life and I have set some healthy boundaries. It is truly sad when you cant attend a birthday party, wedding, or birth of a child because you know your family will be there and you know it will just ruin the occasion that you are celebrating and you dont want to take from that special day. I have to say I feel sorry for them but at the same time very resentful also. They are very defensive and you cant just have a sit down normal conversation with them without the gossip flowing from their mouths. He said, she said, they said, you said and I dont live like that today. Besides it really brings my spirit down. I just want to sit and talk about the good things in life and share where they are at today and all the good things in life that are going on. That would make me happy but who wants happy with them when they can continue to point the finger and speak about others down and outs and feel good about themselves? I cant bring myself to participate in that anymore. It’s just sad that their first thought is a hateful thought and not a kind or compassionate thought.
I dont wish any ill will towards my family and I would never intentionally hurt or harm them. Yes, I have heard some things about my family through a certain person who continues to speak to them and then me, but I don’t trust what she says and have to hear it for myself. I cant judge on gossip so I don’t. There is ALWAYS a finger pointing contest when being around them and I just dont like going there. I have pointed many fingers myself and I know how that goes but today I know that if I’m judging others there will be 3 fingers pointing back at me and I just am done with the finger pointing contest. I have gotten a lot of flack from my family for writing this blog and for some reason they become defensive and threatening instead of encouraging me to heal and support me in a loving way for dealing with my past and moving forward. I guess it is hard for my mother to understand all the sexual abuse that has happened to me and she wants to live in denial of anything ever happening but how can you explain all the sexual abuse, physical abuse, and mental abuse. I remember it all and I’m trying to deal with it as best as I know how and what was suggested to me by my therapist in trying to heal. Where is that positive feed back that I need to move forward? I’m looking for approval that I will never get and never got my whole entire life.
So with this said I had to move on and not stay in a sick, unstable state of mind. That is where the boundaries came in. I dont agree with many things they do in their lives but I also dont choose to bring up their past an throw it in their faces. I choose to move on and have compassion for them Actually I feel sorry for them. It’s hard to live in denial and gossip. It has to be a consistent cycle of chaos and insanity where you never get anywhere but the exact place you started. I know because I lived that way before in my past. Upon working a program I let go of all that chaos and insanity and moved forward. My life is peaceful today with nothing but good things happening and I’m able to be a trustworthy, dependent person. I dont need to make you look bad just so I can feel good about myself. That is what I call “devils tool”. It keep’s a person in a miserable place where they have no way out but to continue doing the same thing over and over again wishing things could change. The Jay Walker. I know that some of what I write in my blog may hurt feelings but I cant lie, I have to share the truth in order to move on. So if this hurts my relationship’s with my family my intentions are not to hurt them but for me to heal. Healing is what helps me to move forward. God knows my intentions and I have no ill will or harm in any of my thoughts or words. All I have is compassion. So with all of this said, cant we all just get along? Why all the fuss and finger pointing, and trying to hurt or harm another person? A person that is your daughter, mother, sister, brother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin. Let bygones be bygones and lets move forward. It takes what it takes and everyone is so quick to point the finger but if I bring something up, the truth, I’m punished for doing so. Get over yourself because life is too short to continue to live as if you are perfect and never made a mistake in your life. Abandon yourself to God, forgive and move forward. It is the only way.
We should NEVER be made to fell guilty for the truth or how we feel.
God Speed My Brothers and Sisters